We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.

Well Shabu, I apologize. I do tend to talk to you mostly when I am boiling with negative emotions. It's reasonable though. When I am happy, I tend to share that with people who are important to me. And with sadness, it just seems better to keep to myself.

But if not for the anime I just finished today, I'd be drowning in my own pool of misery. -_-

lalala, They've been going there a lot lately. And I think they lost a lot because they'd come home pissed off.

Last night, Richard and Rocco played games up till 5:00 A.M. Dad walked out and saw and he just exploded. He dragged Nancy and me out of bed and made us all kneel for well over half an hour.

LOL, I think I'm getting older. Or my knees are getting weaker. But whatever the reason, I couldn't kneel as long as back then. -_- I mean, back then I could kneel while holding a can of beer in each hand! And that was as a kid. But now, after ten minutes or so, my knees got tired and they started shaking. Well, at least it was just kneeling. Dad started lecturing us all at five in the morning. Richard plays game. Richard gets bad grades. Richard influences Rocco. Rocco plays games. Rocco gets bad grades. Nancy and Cristina are horrible older sisters who do not look after their brothers. Hence, they are the ones to blame.

Well, during the lecture, Richard got frustrated and said, "They [Nancy and I] were asleep, just like you and mom!" And dad burst and got the hanger and started wooping him. He broke that one and he got another and did it again. Rocco got mad and stood up and he started hitting him randomly too. He then ran into the room, angrily grabbed Rocco's two-weeks-old laptop, and smashed it into the marble floor. We all yelled at him but he merely picked up the laptop, and smashed it into the floor again. By this time, he was hysterical. He was yelling, and screaming, to the brink of crying - with no tears. And after smashing it for the fifth time or so, he stopped. He was panting, and he yelled some more, and then he walked away.

He later walked out, asked me if he's right, and I replied, "You're right, but you're teaching with the wrong method. You'll just have to buy another laptop, break that one, buy another, break that one, over and over again." And he said he wouldn't buy another one.

I merely scoffed at him. He said I can stop kneeling. But I was stubborn. And I looked back at the other three kneeling, straightened my back, and said, "No need."

Well, when he destroys things, the girls end up cleaning things up. So next thing you know, Nancy and I were cleaning up the pieces of the laptop. Rocco suddenly moved and he started crying. And Rocco rarely cries. I haven't seen him cry in so long. Apparently, when he struck Rocco, he hit the back of his skull and neck, where he had his surgery. And it suddenly started pounding and throbbing and hurting. And so, I slept with him today. At seven in the morning, I went to bed with Richard and Rocco to make sure he's okay. Nancy cried herself to sleep. Nanette pulled the covers over her head and tried to sleep. Mom was tired. And dad? He wallowed up in remorse, guilt, anger, and frustration.

I woke up at 4:00 P.M. Parents were away. I checked my phone and no missed calls or text messages. Today was supposed to be our date. Our Christmas date. lol, we were supposed to meet up today. Exchange presents. Have dinner. Hang out. But the day went by, and he didn't call. And I didn't feel like calling, because that would be history repeating itself all over again. So we didn't go on the date. Partly, because he seemed to have forgotten. Partly, because of family. And Partly, because I suddenly didn't care.

I spent the day finishing the anime. It was awesome. I guess anime is in many ways like fanfics. I blogged about it once. I watch anime when I'm bored, when I'm sad, when I want to get away, when I want to feel. And today, the series entertained me, made me happy, kept my mind off of things, and made me feel as though everything is all right.

Thong called. In fact, I just told him I'd call back later because I need to blog it now. Maybe after this, it'll be easier to talk to someone who is completely dense as to why I am the way I am now. The phone call was a good one. He was wrapping presents with Thang. But as I suspected, he did forgot about our date. Though he assumed that I am mad and disappointed with who he is and when he is honest about it. Well, I guess that was part of my discontent. I probably don't really know who he is. And when he asked jokingly, "Are you having second thoughts," I couldn't help but reply "yes." Though, I don't think I was joking. I'm losing sight of everything that I once thought I knew.

Perhaps because of a lot of things going on at once, my mind is getting clouded with hesitation. But I seriously did consider what he asked. Am I really in love with him. Or am I in love with the way he sometime makes me feel. Am I blinded by the lovey-dovey side so much that when I see another side, I pull away. I don't know anymore. Hopefully, it'll all become clear soon.

We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick.

Today's date with Thong was quite horrible. =/ I don't know why, but after he got the call, he went cold on me. The cussing didn't help. Speeding away before I even got into my house didn't help. And certainly, the night phone conversation did not either. In fact, I think it made it worse. He can be so brutally blunt sometime by showing such distaste in the conversation at hand. Well, if that's how he wants it.

It's okay by me, it's okay by me, it's okay by me, it was a long time ago.

I had... a dream today. One that I haven't had in a long time. It was nostalgic, but comforting.

Baby You Have Become My Addiction.

Midterms are over Shabu! Yeahh!! I feel so giddy. They weren't that bad. All in all, everything was reasonable and fair. I hope I did well.

Last week, I was really sick. I haven't been that sick in a while. And I was away from home too. Mom ended up going up to LA so that she could do the coin thing on me and bring me medicine and food and orange juice. After that though, I felt a lot better. I just fell asleep. On Friday, it was probably a 9/10 on how sick I was. By Saturday, it went down to a 4/10. Yup, coin thing works.

Thong came up Saturday to visit. It was really nice. =] He spent Halloween with me and he helped me study for my chemistry midterm. LOL, and we also advanced our relationship a little more.

He bought me five hour energy drinks, ethernet cable, and LED light to read in the dark. It's really sweet of him, very thoughtful. Hahaha, my internet hasn't dced since then. o_O So it was my internet... lol! And the energy drink is crazy. It keeps you on a high... I think? Well, basically, I couldn't go to sleep easily after that. hahaha

And guess what! He found my bracelet! =) heheheheh, seriously, I don't know why, but I felt a lot better wearing it while taking my midterm.

Well you drive me crazy half the time; the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.

So Thong visited me this Saturday. Hmm, a lot of things happened that day. Things that I never even imagined would happen happened. It changed the pace of our relationship. But then again, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't think so. I've been putting off thinking about it. And now that I am, I guess we moved a little fast.

And I was scared at first. I mean, suddenly, I was questioning my self-worth. I was just as wrong as he was. I didn't say stop. And even then, would I have wanted him to stop? I've been asking myself this. I don't know. I guess we lost to lust and desires. And once that happened, there was no turning back.

So I've come up with a conclusion after a lot of thinking. We're always redefining our values. Always. And it just so happens that now, I'm redefining mine. It doesn't make us bad people. It shouldn't be something we feel guilty about. After all, I did it with Thong, a very important person in my life. Someone I really care about. Someone I want to share happy moments with. And when I think of it that way, it makes sense. And things fall into place.

So I won't try to fight with what's right and what's wrong. I'm doing this with the one person I love. And that itself, is authentic. I'm merely improvising my values a little is all.

I talked to Thong today. And he sounded like he was crying. I don't know. But I think he was blaming himself. And that just tore at me because he shouldn't be the one carrying this weight alone. We're in this together.

How do I deal without you.

It feels strange that we won't talk tonight....

And when I hear my phone ring, I can't help but think it's you. I've been conditioned into thinking the ring tone means you're here.

So.. I just changed my ring tone. At least for the time being.

(Are you really in love) Or was I just a game to prove to yourself

He canceled the park.

There'll come a time when I'll get tired of these little arguments and let downs. And maybe then, I'll realize and accept that it's probably not worth it.

Cos nothing seems to change, oh no. No nothing’s gonna change, at all.

I tried to make up today. Tried to act normal and cheery. But he was the same. And I just gave up. I needed to get my mind off of him.

So I went to Mimi's room to hang out. We went to Hedrick's gym and we just talked about Key Club, college, freshmen fifteen, and basically everything. It was a good break from everything. And I had a really good catch up time with Mimi. =]

Then at 12, decided to go to Westwood with Martin. We wanted to go get ice scream sandwiches but apparently the place closes at midnight. So we walked around westwood and I told him about what was bothering me. I guess in a way, Martin is now the new Bach in my romance life. Haha, love counselor.

Westwood was pretty at night. I almost got a ticket for J walking? The drivers are reckless. The frat houses were loud. The air was cool.

This love is killin' me. But you're the only one.

Stupid Thong, stupid stupid stupid. Always pissing me off and making me down. Seriously, he shouldn't even be taking this much of my time. I'm in college now. I'm supposed to get out and have fun. But it's barely the first day, and already, I'm disappointed in him. Again.

He said one week ago that he'd see me off before I head off to college. And I asked him how will he do that, and he said he'll just drive down from UCI. It was simple. Then three days later, he said he'd see me off again. And two days later, he said so again. And yesterday, he said that he'd see me off. And I asked him one more time if he would be busy with UCI stuff. He said no. And when I asked him what time he would come home, he said early in the morning. And then I told him that I'd be home at five. How would it work? And he said that there would be no activities on Sunday. So it wouldn't matter. So...expect a letter in the mailbox. And expect him there to see me off. And so, I did. I looked forward to seeing him one last time before I headed up to UCLA.

But when the time came, and I got home, he was no where in sight... I called him to tell him that I'm leaving soon and he didn't seem to know what the matter was. So he said, "Okay, good luck." And that was that. I asked him if I should wait for him. And he said no....

And so I just predicted that he was really busy. That's why he didn't have time to visit me.

But later that night, it showed otherwise. Apparently, he didn't even remember telling me that. And then he went on and said, "Well, I was busy," "You have to spend time with your family," "Your boyfriend shouldn't butt in," "I had to buy stuff and I had lots of thing to do," "Cristina, I have my own work to do." And basically, he came up with all the bullshitting excuses in the book. Fuck you Thong. If you're going to be like that, then you might as well not say that you'd meet up with me. I mean, it's not like you just mentioned it once. You said it. And you went back and reinforced it into my head every single day after that. And right when you got me to the point where I'm expecting your visit, you simply forgot what you said and acted as though nothing's wrong.

And you know what's the worse part? Your face. How nonchalant it was. How you didn't seem to care. And YOU looked pissed off. As though it was my fault. And you accused me of demanding too much. When all I did was wait for you to do what you said you'd do. Like every other time.

And the stupidest thing is that I always go back to trusting your damn words.

And how my heart's about burst... Into a thousand pieces. So it must be true

Yesterday, I decided to visit Thong because he was sick. But somehow, I lagged and I ended up going to his house at 8:00 P.M. Thong's mom and my mom started talking while Thong and I decided to go tease Thang! LOL, now I know why Thong likes to tease him so much. When my mom left, we decided to go upstairs. At first, we tried making out in his parents' room. But considering the stairway leads directly toward the room, we realized that it wasn't that safe. And we ended up in his room. The kisses got intense. Maybe it's because we hadn't made out since the car. ahaha, but it was really nice. I was feeling bubbly. Then it got really hot too. Especially when he held me from behind and planted kisses all over my neck, which resulted in hickey.... hehe

Then after his mom came up, we had to resort to youtube as a disguise. ^_^ And we continued where we left off. lol, do you think what we did is wrong Shabu? I don't think so. I mean, it doesn't feel wrong. I don't see why I can't be doing these things with the one person I really care about.

Then his mom brought out a bag that she bought for me. It was so adorable. Just too cute. I didn't know Thong's mom can be this cute! Apparently, she bought this and was afraid that i wouldn't like it - after seeing her sons' expressions... And today, she gave it to me. And the more I look at it, the more I like it. Or maybe it's because Thong's mom bought it with me in her mind. But either way, I'm going to use it for sure. ^_^ Then Thong bought out the dark blue blanket that he bought me. HEHEHE, what is this family trying to do, spoil me? But it's really soft. Really really soft and cozy and fluffy and plushy... Then, we all headed back to my house!!

Woot woot! His mom and my parents were socializing! It was too funny. They actually had a lot to say!! And Thang went off to play games. And Thong just looked tired! LMAO. I guess it was because he was still sick. =[ Then he gave his mom the look. pshh. hahaha, but it was a very good day. One of the best days we've spent together! And there was a lot of family bonding too! Kudos.

And today, I worked on Thong's yearbook and I gave him the picture frame for his room. Though, he doesn't know that the most important thing I gave him today was access to this blog. If he opens the picture frame and moves the sheet of paper, he'd see the URL for this site right behind the picture. I wonder when, if ever, will he see it.

But the best thing about today was Thong's gift parte dos! OMG I did not know that Thong could do this much once he put his mind to it. I mean, he drew a map. Not any map, but a map that shows a lot of the things we've done together. Or just things that play a role in my life. But the drawings were beautiful. He can be quite artistic! And you can tell just by looking that he put a lot of thought and time into this one gift! It's simply amazing. I didn't even know how to express what I felt when I saw it. So I stayed quiet and just gawked at it.

I don't think he even knows how happy I feel at this very moment. Thanks a lot sweetie! I love it.

It's so magical, you and me.

This is by Thong. He just sent it via email. hehehehehee. =] He can be such a sweetheart!

Happy Half-Year Anniversary!

From: T. T. T.

To: C. T. T.

You and me

Was just a possibility,

But six months later and now I realize

That sweetie

You are simply

The best part of my life.

Cristina Thuy Ta stands for my wildest dreams come true.

Honestly, my life would be bland and boring without you.

You’ve made your entrance; you’ve created havoc.

I can’t stop thinking about you—Great, now it’s become a habit.

Your heart, your spirit, your humor, your eyes

Boy! Am I glad to have made you mine.

Yet, with the greatest dignity,

I congratulate our six-month anniversary.

Darling, I’m eternally grateful

For having the honor to be someone special

In your heart

For having your sweet, sweet I love you’s softly whispered in my ears

And for having discovered after all the tears

And glee

That Yes! You’re the one for me!

Trust me

The time we had together

Can’t be forgotten, never.

Only, I just wish

that this summer

Could somehow last forever.

Yet, time continues ticking by

And pretty soon

We’ll say good-bye,

But whatever happens from here on out

Whatever transcends

Just know that nothing—absolutely nothing!

Can make me forget

About my one and only

My good and pretty

Beautiful Miss

(the best and awesome-est)

There are countless more things I’ve yet to say;

But for starters, here are two for today:

Cristina, I love you, and

As you are there for me,

So I will always be there for you.

Wish I could keep you much longer.

Thong and I celebrated our six month anniversary today! We first went to the photo stickers place. It was an epic fail. Last year, they used coins. So I assumed that if I put money into the machine, it'd spit out coins. Well, it actually swallowed up my bills. Ten rather than the required nine. LOL. Well, at first we didn't know where the camera was. And when we found it, it was too late. The shot showed us shocked and almost appalled... ahahahha

The decorating was simply hilarious. Thong decided to put on a bunch of sparkly things once he discovered where they were. Then he overdid it, so he erased the entire thing... only to realize there were ten seconds left. Then he threw the pen to me as though I were some type of miracle worker. LMFAO. So uhh, the picture was an epic fail. But hey, we'll laugh about it. ^_^

Then Thong took me to Joe's Crab Shack. He ordered us some pasta. lol, I really liked the bread. The atmosphere was really nice too.

We ended the day with Fashion Island. After getting lost... hahaha, we went into the pet shop. And we saw a big doggy that at first frightened Thong. Hmm... a lot more browsing. Checked out the koi... not koi fish... LOL. and we ended the day with the horsey ride. It was cold...sitting on the horse with a dress! But it was so worth it. It reminded me of that time we had a pillow fight in JC Penny. Or was it Sears?

Hmm, in his car, we were kissing when an old couple saw us. It got really awkward and it just ruined the atmosphere. I decided to give him the recorder then. ^_^ And he really really liked it. I don't know. But it feels really nice when you make someone feel special. xD At first, he thought it was just a voice recorder. Then he saw the paper. hehehe

Its all... been bottled up until now...

So on the tenth, Dad and Nancy got into a big argument - though it stemmed from something small. Huong came to visit and she brought her dog with her. My parents don't allow dogs in the house. But in the end, the dog ran in and out. The guests hugged the dog and went all over the sofa and whatnot. Doesn't seem that big, but it really bugged my parents. And when they left, dad yelled at Nancy for always causing him trouble. He went about wiping the couch and cussing. And then he forced Nancy to throw the three books into the patio because Huong used it at her house where her dog lives. And Nancy got really mad and he said she can get out any time she wants. She can go live on her own. She can go commit suicide. She can become a whore and do whatever she wants. She can bring home guys and he won't care. And Nancy started crying.

Since then, Nancy has completely ignored him. Around him, she wouldn't care what she did. And yesterday, she dressed up and went to a party without telling him. She came home at 10:30 P.M.

But you see Shabu, my dad has some sort of temper problem. Since he's mad at Nancy, he would get mad at other unnecessary things. And he'd go mad about nothing.

Yesterday, I napped after Thong called. I woke up to yelling and cussing and crying. I went outside and my mom was lying on the hall floor. She was just lying there crying. And next to her, Nanette was hugging her knees crying too. And dad had his mouth shut. I rushed to mom and held her head up. At the same time, Rocco handed me a pillow and I laid her head on it. And she looked so broken. She was just crying.

My mom rarely cries. Shes really strong. She only cries when she can't hold it in any longer. And yesterday was one of those days. I turned accusingly to my dad and yelled, "What the hell did you do!?" And he muttered, "She fell on her own." Richard called him "fucken mental" out loud. And he spun around and glared only to continue his cussing.

He started cussing again. Yelling at my mom. Threatening to kill my grandpa. Accusing my grandpa of tearing this family apart and making him miserable with his religious crap. Exclaiming that my mom pissed him off because she always defends her own dad. Well, is she supposed to sit there and take your crap every single day? Then Rocco stood up. He yelled out "Shut up!" And my dad quickly walked into the living room and roared "Who said that?"

And Rocco said, "I did! Why don't you just shut up!!" and damn, am I proud of you kiddo. Richard and I ran out after him in case he decides to beat up Rocco. Then, we wouldn't hold back. Then, we would finally stand up for our mom and ourselves. But he didn't do anything. He just walked back into his room and acted as though nothing was wrong.

I'm a coward. Richard and Rocco stood up for my mom last night. Richard and Rocco, my two baby brothers. And I was so proud of them. You don't even know.

But me, I was such a coward... I stood there, fists clenched. And at the same time, my insides were trembling. And I told myself to stop trembling but it wouldn't stop. And in the end, I couldn't do anything. Again.

I had to help mom up. He beat her up again. And apparently, he kicked her so hard that she fell over. And now, her neck aches. Her arms are bruised. Her sides were red and scratched up and bruised yesterday. It probably looks worse today. I gave her Chinese oil. And she fell asleep on the couch sniffing and cussing at my dad out loud. Throughout the night, we took turns to come out and check up on her.

Thong called about thirty minutes after everything happened. He thought I cried. I didn't though. I was sad and angry. My voice sounded broken. But I didn't cry.

Talking to Thong was a break from everything. It was refreshing. And I really do enjoy talking to him. Maybe that's why I always want to stay on as long as possible. I was on the computer adding on the the anniversary present. Dad came in and yelled. LOL

It's funny. The reason I can't sleep is because he disturbed my nap. So I said goodnight to Thong. And until three, I still couldn't sleep. I was hungry.... -_- I went out and grabbed two cookies and a cup of milk. LOL My root canal tooth bit one of the nutty thingies and it started aching. So much. And i had to stop eating and rinse out my mouth.

In the end, we didn't go to the swap meet. Mom didn't want to. Probably because she didn't want to see his face. And this morning, he left to go gamble again.

I've got the curse of curves.

Today, I went to eat out with Zuluaga, Jennifer, Y, and Heather, and Thong. The food was good. Zuluaga insisted on paying though. So I guess when we come back, we'll take him out to eat. ^_^ Y and Zuluaga soon found a topic that interested both of them. Jennifer and Heather were giggling to themselves. It was quite amusing. And Thong and I were just teasing one another. PSSHH, just because I don't eat veggies. ahahahha

Well, I'd like to take back what I previously said about Heather. It was in a moment of weakness!! Don't blame me Shabu. I guess I just had too much time in my hands to go speculating weird things... lol, I'm really glad that her appeal worked though. I remember how she broke the news to me. She was really down about it.

Well, afterward, Thong and I went ice skating. LOL The place was really nice! It was fun watching Thong. He was so adorable! Though the first time he fell, he took me down with him. LOL but it didn't hurt. It was just fun and a tad bit goofy. ^_^ Then he fell a second time! And one time, he skated by and nearly fell. So he kicked up and his skates hit my leg and almost tripped me. -__- Though I don't think he realized what he did. Ahahaha Then the rink closed after 45 minutes or so and we were like, "WTH?" But it turned out that the place has two rinks!! Crazy! But we already took off our skates and so we settled with playing cards.

It was overall a good day. ^_^ At night, I told Thong some of my dog stories. And I think he really liked them. Dog stories. LOL, it was a good trip down memory lane. I miss my pups.

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye.

RIP Tyson.

He was our neighbors dog. Six year old Boxer. And today. a police officer killed him. He was running around the neighborhood, hyper and excited. Though, he didn't bite anyone. He didn't bark at anyone. He wasn't a threat to anyone.

But the police officer came and tightened a leash around his throat. He yanked so hard that the dog's face slammed to the ground. Then he used his foot and stomped it onto his throat.

"If you don't control your dog, I will shoot him."

That's what he said to our neighbor. And then she noticed her pup's tongue turning purple. And then, that's when they realized that he was dead.

He died of suffocation. I hope the police officer gets what he deserves.

I just wonder, Do you ever, think of me, Anymore, do youuuuu?

It feels as though we're losing it. Phone conversations currently consist of awkward silences. Make college come already. I hear distance makes the heart grow fonder. Or possibly the opposite of that with prolonged time.....

If you just realized what I just realized.

Today Thong said something that made me feel really special. =]

Who will drive my soul?

Too tired to talk about UCLA. The buildings were beautiful. The food was delicious. We played scavenger hunt on the second day. Ahahaha, of 19 groups, we came in third place. But was it worth it? It seemed like three miles. And we ran nonstop. At one in the morning.... Martin and Tuan are crazy! Fast though. But it was too much. I felt as though I was going to die. The only thing that kept me from giving up was the thought that I didn't want to let my group down. And I'm pretty sure of the ten people in the group, eight of them had that very reason. Everyone but Martin and Tuan. Heck, I'm still sore...

Signing up for classes was a pain in the ---. The site crashed for three hours. And when it finally worked, everyone was on the tour. So all the oc's had to take out their laptops and start registering for classes right in the middle of the tour. Our laptop broke.... So we had to resort to iphones... It was a horrible experience. People stressed out and a girl even cried. I was lucky. I was able to go first.

Thong came to visit on the last day. Though, he ended up walking around for six hours. We both couldn't see each other. So much for a tour together. =[ But we did eat at Taco Bell together and walk around campus. It was sweet of him to go up there. Thanks honey.

Lay down a list of what is wrong. The things you've told him all along.

Ah, fuck it. I hate it when it's my fault. Got into another damn argument. I don't even know how to approach this one.

Yesterday, when we hung up at 12:30 A.M., he said "Talk to you later." I went to take a shower and by 2:00 A.M., rather than talking, he just text my cell phone, "Goodnight and sweet dreams." I mean, would it hurt to just call to say that? Takes at most one minute. Maybe two if we're being playful.

Then today, at around 5:00 P.M., he IMed me up while I was invisible. It seems like he did it just to avoid the phone conversation. As though, "If I'm lucky, she'll be there and she'll respond. Otherwise, I'll have to call her." And well, he got lucky. But whatever, I didn't feel like talking simply because it seemed so forced coming from him. I mean, I guess I took it pretty well. I just watched anime the entire time and did enjoy it. Then he had to call at 9:00 P.M. or so. I mean, if you're going to do this, at least do it all the way. But no, he comes back and calls when he feels like it's convenient for him.

It's always like that. I'm the one who's always available. He takes that for granted and calls when he feels like it. And when he doesn't want to, he doesn't do it. Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that he can call at 2:00 A.M. and I'll be there to pick it up.

The conversation went smoothly at first. We joked around and talked and laughed. Then suddenly, I don't know what, but I just exploded. And I demanded an answer. And he gave the answer. He doesn't want to waste four hours talking on the phone each day. He'd rather read a book, run miles, or drive around at Irvine. The things he also didn't include are play video games and watch TV. I mean, it makes sense. Who would want to waste his summer talking on the phone 4 hours a day. Though it's not like we always did that. We used to talk simply because we couldn't see each other. Because of his homework and his work, back then the phone was the only option. But now, without work or school, I guess he just got sick and tired of it. Well, he did. He claims that he'd rather see me in real life. Of course. I mean, I do too. And suddenly, without the school and the work to hold him back, the blame falls on me.

But once again, what fucked up timing. Why the hell do my parents choose this time of all time to suddenly get back into it. To fuck up their lives and ours. Then he resorts to, "But, I want your parents to be home. I want to get permission." Apparently, from both of them. He would rather come and sit on the porch and talk. Or just stare at my window. lol, Of course he'll do that. Like all the other things he said. Just like all of the other crap he always say.

I know that he's right. Not that, but right about the four hours on the phone each day. It's ridiculous. But it's something I settle with. It's something I settled with ever since his work and his school. Back then, it was probably two or one hour though. But now, I don't even know. I guess the thing that pissed me off was the fact that he never had the guts to tell me that he didn't like it. That he felt like he needed to do it. Not wanted to do it. And so, because of his cowardly nature, he decided to gradually pull out. To gradually call less and talk less. To hope that I'm stupid enough to not notice what he was doing. Or at least have the decency enough to pretend to be stupid.

He said he liked talking on the phone. Just two days ago. Because when he talks on the phone, he actually talks to me. And he actually learns more about me. Then he goes and forgets what he said. Something only he'd do.

And that's why it hurt. Because suddenly, I had to question why he was doing it. If he didn't like the phone conversations. If he's bored of me. And I asked him that. His reaction said otherwise. But hey, that's what he's been asking me all along. Constantly too. Now he'll know how it feels.

I don't know. I guess, all I wanted for him to do was to tell me from the start. Because right when I became dependent on the calls, he pulled out. And it just left me hanging. And I hate that feeling. Should've told me sooner. I wonder if I hadn't asked him today, would he have told me at all.

I'd rather we spend time together. I'd give up the phone conversations to see him three days a week. But hey, with Thong, that may be asking too much.

Well, I should call back and apologize. This was my fault. But it stemmed from his gutless disposition. For some reason, I can only talk to him after I blog. Maybe that's when I finally let out my frustration and cool down. Then I'd talk to him without yelling or cussing or laughing bitterly.

So hear me loneliness... Im giving up on you .

Happy 5th month sweetie!!

Yup, its our fifth month Shabu. Can you imagine it? For some reason, I've been thinking about how the last quarrel ended so much that I just don't feel like about writing it. But somehow, it worked out. He was being stubborn and he wanted to get back at me. That's how he felt. As for me, I was being stubborn too. And you pretty much know how I felt. But yeah. it worked out.

It's our 5th month but I postponed our date. LOL, he's not even done with his final essay. -_- Though he seems disappointed. I mean, I am too. >=[ It's not cool when he talks about being responsible to his girlfriend. Then goes and go on a date with her while he still has homework. In some way, it makes me feel like shit and it makes me feel as though it's my fault. But ehh.

I just got the recorder from Staples today. Actually, Nancy got it for me. I already knew what model to get so I just told her. I went yesterday but it was closed. Staples closes at 8:00 P.M. -_- That's really early. But yeah, it's perfect! I did a few tests and it works nicely. Simple and clear. Though, ahaha it picks up even the softest sound. So while I was recording myself, I heard Nanette's singing in the background. The door was closed and she was in the other room too. -_- So yeah, I hope it won't be too difficult for Thong. He's a bit behind when it comes to technology. LOL

How could you go... right when I needed you.

It's a shame
You see that I'm hurtin'
And you don't know what you did
You probably don't
even care to know
what it is
You promised that you'd be down
That you were my best friend
Was it all for nothin'

How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold

I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home

Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip

You're the flame
I keep runnin' back to
you (back to you)
Feel the pain
I keep runnin' to you
Thinkin' somethin's gon' change
But now that the story is over
I'm turnin' the page
Maybe in history

How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold

I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home

Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip

What goes around comes around
(No, no)
Me and you
Me and you (and you)
The tables have turned around And now
I'm lettin' you go
(No, go)

I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home

I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home

Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip

I was pretty bummed out today. Didn't really talk to anyone. Didn't really do anything. Didn't feel like saying or doing anything. I guess, two hours of crying and three hours of sleep does that to you. And throughout the day, the thought of breaking up plagued my mind and left me restless. And so I needed to get my mind off of him. So I went to browse around. Then I came to the book stall and then browsed through the books. And I left with two novels and a movie for Nanette. I started reading and surprisingly, it did work. My mind was occupied and if I were to absorb myself into the book, then the sinking-heart feeling and the tight, fireball throat feeling would ease. And at some point. I made a decision.

I will wait till 12:00 A.M. for him to call. If he doesn't, then from then on, I will not pick up his calls. In fact, I won't talk to him until he shows up in front of my house. And if he doesn't do that by Thursday, our five months anniversary, then I'll know what to do. It simply means he doesn't care. And it simply means that he's not worth it. And then, I'll break it off. This is his last chance. Last chance to show me that he's not like the rest of them. Heck, I was stupid and naive to think that he was different. But I'm still clinging to that hope for him to prove me wrong.

Either way, if it does end, I'll have two novels to keep me from resorting to the pathetic girl that cries and gives up on everything. Yeah, I'm prepared this time if it happens. At least, I hope I am. I wonder if he'll call.

BTW, I'm on page 180 now. =]

It's time to be a big girl now.. and big girls don't cry.

Today I cried my heart out.

It was supposed to be a good day. It was Brian's birthday party. And we were supposed to have fun at the party. That's how I wanted it to be. Though, it turned out to be one of the worst days I've had with Thong.

The day started out good. I came at 2:30 P.M. after buying ice for Brian. And that's when I noticed that Thong barely came too. It was a nice day. The weather was nice. The party was nice. The atmosphere was nice. Simply too nice.

At the party, Thong gave me a bracelet that he made at UCI orientation. I'm wearing it right now. It was sweet. But the day somehow made a turn for the worst. I noticed that Thong sat down and simply watched the guys play games. As though he was uncomfortable. Insecure. Afraid. And so, to ease that, I led him out to the jumper. I wanted him to have fun. To blend in with the crowd and enjoy himself. But he stuck out like a duck lost among a bunch of swans. Or was it the other way? I dragged him to the jumper and for the first few seconds, it was awesome. We jumped without a care in the world. That's until people started filing in, one by one. And even then, it was still nice. I managed to jump and tackle Thong with some help from the other guys.

But then, he left. Randomly, out of the blue, he left me there. Without a word. Without much of a look. And for the next few minutes, I told myself, "He's probably in the restroom," "He's probably getting a drink of water," "He's probably..." And that's when I went in to look for him. And there, I saw him on the couch watching the guys play games. I mean, the least he could do was tell me. Ask me to come along. Look over at me. Anything. But he just... walked away and left me there.

So I quickly left the house and entered the jumper again. He can have it his way. I'll just have fun by myself. And I did. For a while - however short it was - I managed to tackle people and get tackled without thinking of him. But somehow, it went back to him. After the jumper, I went in again and glanced at him. He was still watching them play video games. So I went to get food. Ate and talked with Anh-thuy and Cindy. And after a while, I went over to where he was and sat down on the hammock. I didn't acknowledge him though. Didn't even spare him a glance. I was disappointed, agitated, and hurting. And he didn't seem like he cared. And so I left for the jumper once again.

He said that he'd join me after one game of Mario Tennis. But it wasn't till 30 minutes later did he enter the jumper. And even then, he had his mind concentrated on what to get Brian rather than spending time with me. And as quickly as he entered the jumper, he left. For an entire hour too.

I swallowed my pride, anger, and sadness and decided that I should do something about it. I mean, we only get to see each other once a week. It would suck if we didn't at least spend the time together. So I walked over to the game room and took his hand. I looked at him and told him, "I'm going to steal you away now." It was meant to be playful. But I really wanted him to see through it and follow me. To comfort me and hug me. But he didn't. He let go of my hand. And when Brian blew the candles, Thong was out the door. He didn't wait for me. Didn't look around to see that I wasn't comfortable with the people who were there. Didn't hug me. Didn't even try to take a look at me as I fought back tears.

And when he left, I took out my phone to call my mom. I had only stayed because I wanted to spend time with him. I declined Bach and Anh-thuy's invitation to the park to stay back with him. But in the end, he threw it all in my face. Of the four hours we spent at Brian's house, one hour he spent buying Brian's gift, and the other two and a half hours he spent in front of the TV screen. I didn't even get to give him the little notebook.

I came home dejected. After my shower, Nanette told me Thong called. It turned out to be the pervert from last time. Though this time, it kind of freaked me out because I was only in a towel. But I cussed at him. I yelled at him. I vented all of my frustration and anger on him. And for a second, I thought that I was yelling at Thong. I don't think he'll ever call back. =]

I waited for his call. Waited with the phone in my hands. Waited with music pounding against my ear drums. And then, the tears started falling. And next thing I knew, I was weeping. Crying my heart out. Crying into the pillow as I listened to emo songs over and over again. Swallowing back the burning feeling in my throat and fighting the strain on my chest. And suddenly, it was like one of those long nights from a year ago. And that's when I noticed, he did just what I had hope he wouldn't. He did what I had feared from the beginning. He did what Danny did. He walked away from me.

Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain.

I was thinking today. Before this, everything with Thong was so clear. So vivid. So out there in the open. But now, after that conversation we had, I no longer see the end. And so, I wondered. Am I willing to wait for something I'm not sure about? Because if we want to make this work, then we'd have to put in a lot of work. We won't be able to see each other for years. We say once a week, but it may extend to once a month. And I wondered if our feelings would fade. If we would forget what was the goal. And if our promises would turn out empty-handed. And for a second there, it seemed as though everything was for nothing. To build a relationship from scrap and put so much into it... only to lose to distance. Proximity. And yet, are we strong enough handle this?

I like taking pictures. Discovering the various angles and taking multiple shots to your heart's content. I don't do that anymore though. Ever since I dropped my camera. ahahah. When you're taking a picture, you rid yourself from that picture. You take a step back and remove yourself from the scene. That way, the world would be laid out for you to see. For you to analyze. For you to understand. For you to see in a different light. And you won't be caught up in all of it and let your feelings get in the way.

They say that only fools are satisfied. Does that mean that humans are always striving. Always aiming high and once they reach that very goal, they aim higher? They won't stop until they have to. Until nature takes over and strip them of their abilities to move, to think, to feel. No satisfaction would be enough. Why is it then, that we are so foolish? For love above all else. Are we really satisfied with just that?

I've always wondered about that one quote. I can't remember the exact words, but it goes something like this: The journey is much more important than the end. But then again, if you never reach that end, that aspiration, then wouldn't the journey mean nothing? It'll just remind you of failure. Of how you gave up half way. Sure, you learn many things during that journey. And those experiences, knowledge, times would always be with you. But in the end, if you don't get what you want in the first place, does it matter? Time will eventually catch up to you. And the years will fly right by you. It won't wait. It can't afford to wait for one person... And so, it leaves you behind. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the end fails, there must be a good reason. Somewhere along the journey, you found something even better. Then again, that's just me and my wishful thinking.

UPDATE:

Thong said something that hurt a lot today.

Mmmm whatcha say... mmm that you only meant well? Well of course you did.

Today I looked up the Ms Magazine that Thong told me to check out. Very feminist magazine indeed. However, there is something that bothered me. The magazine used a lot of the color pink. The color that represents females. But who was it, that set this precedent? That declared that blue is a man's color and pink is a woman's? Since Ms Magazine use this color substantially, it's purpose is to point out women's strength, persistence, as well as women's pride. However, using this color furthers the difference between men and women. It sets them apart, and hence still alienates women and makes them inferior to men. Because they overly use this color, they are accepting the precedent that was set by the people of the past. They are accepting their role in society. And hence, they will never be truly equal.

Shabu, can you imagine what Gender Feud would be like if the girls instead decided to use the color blue. It would be shocking, unexpected, but of course, they'll get the message across. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to be like the guys. Freud's principal of penis envy is way off. -_-

Anyway, while I was eating today, a question suddenly plagued my mind. Why is it that Asians mostly use chopsticks and Americans and Caucasians use forks? It dawned to me that Asians generally use chopsticks because they live in a collectivist society. Hence, everything they do revolves around family activities. And when they eat, the food is laid out on the table. They don't have individual meals. And with chopsticks, they can reach across the table to get to the dish they want. On the contrary, American and European societies are individualistic. Each time they eat, each person has his own plate. They don't need to reach across the table - unless it's to pass the pepper or salt. And so, they use fork. Well, it's just a thought. I have no idea what's the real reason. Probably because it's in their culture. But that goes back to the types of societies.

Today I gave Tata away Shabu. It wasn't what I wanted to do. But hey, it's the best thing for her. A lot better than staying in the the heated patio everyday. A lot better than sleeping in the cold. A lot better than running the wheel without a soul watching her. And a lot better than to spend the days and nights alone because her owner can't play with her. And so, I gave her to my next door neighbor. They have kids that can entertain her and play with her. They have a teenager that can take care of her. And they have a house that can shelter her. I think I made the right decision. As a bonus, if I ever miss her, I can just knock on the door and visit her.

The Animal Care person came today to give us a fine for Dobie's barking too. Though he's still a puppy - he's supposed to bark. And it turns out that the lady all the way across the street complained. I mean, I find it funny that none of our neighbors complained. But she did. She must have very keen ears. -__- And she also recommended to use the shock collar on Dobie. I'll never do that. You'll forever lose his trust. And, it's just not right for a dog not to bark. So we exchanged numbers. Each time Dobie barks, she'll call. Then we'll go quiet him down or something.

Brian's banana came today. It's a lot prettier than in the picture. And it's super soft. LOL Nanette wanted to keep it. Dad found it odd that I ordered a 30 inch banana. And Nancy asked if they sell bigger ones. Hahaha. I think Brian will like it.

I ended the day with a talk with Thong. It's not cool. He had me worried the entire day. He didn't call and he didn't pick up the five times I called him. Nancy told me that he was probably just tired and he sleeping the day away. Apparently, he was sleeping and watching TV most of the day. Besides his scholarship thing, that's all he's done. So I was disappointed. And mad that he didn't at least call to say he was okay and whatnot.

He had a talk with his mom that motivated him to work harder. And when he told me about it, I was glad that he's going to start working harder. But then I thought about it. He said that from now on, school comes before play. And that does make sense. But I don't know why I was a bit down. I brought up his four year plan. Break up for four years and meet up afterward. All of a sudden, that plan didn't seem as stupid as the one he brought up a couple months back. But at the same time, I felt as though I brought that up to make him feel what I was feeling.

And suddenly, I had a player mentality. I don't know what came over me. But it suddenly hit me. And I told him. Maybe I was trying to get even? At what, I'm not even sure. But it seemed as though I changed for a bit into someone I didn't even know. To go out and try many things before I make a decision to settle down. To date a lot of people before I find the right guy. It was simply strange. But somehow, by the end of the conversation, the thing fixed itself. And it ended with sweet talks and playful flirtations.

I loved you so much with all my bones.

Shabu!

Today was the fated day: Root Canal Day! I was fidgety and nervous. Though Thong called and told me not to cry. Ha! Me? Cry? PSHH, Cristina Ta does not cry over getting a hole drilled through her tooth... Yeah, that's right.

But the shot wasn't so bad. The doctor was amazing. It didn't hurt at all. Besides a little pinch, it was pretty nice. It wasn't like previous doctors. I swear, when they gave shots, you feel the pain all the way to your toes!

But the thing that hurt the most was how the clamp forced my mouth open. After two and a half hours, he got out one root thing. So now, I have to return Friday to get out the rest. o_O Which means more shots, more pain, more anxiety, and more time wasted!

As of now, the tooth has a hole in it. There's a thin cover that's really bugging me. It's bulgy and I can't eat in peace because every time I bite down, it hurts and aches. So today, I ate rice with soup and swallowed most of the rice without chewing thoroughly. Talked to thong just a while ago. ^_^ I really do miss him. Really really do. But ha! I hung up because he needs to eat and do homework. hehe, I'm guessing he'll finish by 1:20 A.M. or so. I'm glad he got to nap today. Otherwise, it'll go back to that tiring schedule of his.

I don't know, but I think I may be fallin' for you.

This morning I woke up at seven to go to UCI with Nancy. After eating cereal, we left the house. On the way, near Mile Square Park, there was a three-cars collision. I remember seeing the ambulances first. Than I saw the first car. The second car. And suddenly, I saw the color of the third car: Blue. The wheel covers were similar to those of Thong's car. And I freaked out. The cars were crawling slowly, one after another. And due to the cars in front, I couldn't tell if that car belonged to Thong. There was a heavy weight on my chest. My breathing came out in ragged and soft pants. My hands just froze and stopped searching for my gum stick. And before I knew it, my vision was blurry and tears were threatening to fall from the corners of my eyes. Then Nancy inched up and I unconsciously let go of the breath I was holding.

I was so scared. I haven't felt that scared since my dad got into a car accident. On that very road too. And at that very moment, I found out how much Thong meant to me. I don't know if it's possible for me to be this close to him in a span of five months. But at that time, I knew that he was important to me. Very important.

I went to UCI with the intention to find Thong as quickly as possible just to make sure he was all right. It was a sudden urge. A weird urge with no plausible explanation. When I called him and he picked up, I was overly relief. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug. He said he was at the Student Center. I went over there and searched high and low. It was getting hot and icky. I called a few more times but the guy didn't pick up. Apparently, I was right. He was embarrassed with his Lonely ring tone. Jerk indeed! So I assumed that he was touring the school in huge groups like other students. I went around campus looking for the biology building. Then I just searched for huge groups in general. And after two hours of walking, I found a nice spot and lay down to rest. -__-

I met Thong a while later. Guess where he was Shabu?? He was in that ball room thingy in the Student Center the ENTIRE time. After some scolding, we went to eat. The food wasn't all that great. The chicken was exceedingly sweet. And the sweet sauce blanketed the rice and made it gooey. We joked around a bit. And when we needed to say our goodbyes, Thong patted my head and gently rubbed my forehead with his thumb. There are a few gestures that I find really sweet and adorable. And this is rated pretty high on my list of favorites. ^_^ I think that made my morning and the two hour walk worthwhile.

Nancy and I then headed to Fashion Island to meet up with Bach and Anh-Thuy. The three girls each bought a casual dress. Nancy's makes her look absolutely gorgeous and sexy. Anh-Thuy's makes her look stunningly beautiful. And me? Mine makes me look cute. Yeah... cute, shy, adorable, quiet, and simply....cute. Hahaha

We tried to find a present for Brian but it didn't turn out quite well. Heh... But we did have fun. Ate McDonalds. Pretty original eh? Went to multiple shops. Went to a pet shop. I felt like buying Dobie a big bone. But in the end, we decided against it. I mean, who's going to carry it the rest of the way? I saw hamsters and remembered Tata. lol. I saw a bunch of cuddly puppies. But one particular cat caught my attention. Usually, I don't like cats. At all. But this one was different. He saw me and gave me a fixed gaze. Then he put went down low, paws forward, butt up in the air, head and body nearly touching the ground... and he pounced. Yup, like a baby cub learning how to tackle, he pounced towards me and hit the glass. And he started playing with a little ball. And all the while, everyone else was ignoring him. Everyone was paying attention to the cute puppies. And he was an outcast, alienated from the rest, both physically and metaphorically. His cage was isolated and for a second, I wondered why. A peculiar cat. Strange one. But unexpectedly, he caught my attention amid the mini zoo.

We went to Build-a-Bear Workshop. I wanted to build a bear for Thong. Stuff up a soft and cuddly bear with a heart over it's left chest. Dress it in his favorite Football team's uniform. Shoes, clothing, and helmet. And for a second, I blanked out. We saw the Chargers and Bach said that he likes the Chargers. And at that moment, Thong called. Perfect timing to make sure. Then while I was pretending to play the question game, Bach had to ruin it and make it obvious. So in the end, I decide against it. -_-

We headed for home with Bach trailing Nancy for the directions. It took her a few U-turns, a few drastic lane changes, but somehow, we made it. My legs were in pain from all the walking. I felt tired and exhausted. I went online to look for a present for Brian since I couldn't find something he'd like at the mall. In the end, I chose a 30-inch-long, green, plush banana. Yup. Banana for being dirty-minded. And green for being, well, too green. Not ripe. Get it? hahahha

I gave Thong two calls, and both times, he hung up on me. I mean, I heard his voice. I heard the background noise. And I also heard the click, and the silent end. And in the back of my mind, I was wondering why. And I was also a bit hurt.

P.S.

I finished Special A yesterday! It was AWESOME. I just added it to myanimelist. hahaa

Started as a flicker, meant to be a flame.

Hey Shabu!

So today Thong and I went to IHop. He ordered homely and buttery pancakes. I decided to pick something that looks good. So in the end, I ended up with soggy, strawberry and whipped cream pancakes. Yup, I finished half of the plate. By that time, the other part had expanded into a plate of scrambled, bloated pancakes.

He then drove around for a while to decide where we should go next. After forty minutes of aimless driving, we arrived at the parking lot of Bolsa's park. Well, we gave the backseat a try and well, it wasn't what we both expected. LOL. It felt out of place, uncomfortable, and the butterfly feeling wasn't even there. And Thong, being the noobsauce he is, gave me a hickey right on a visible spot on my neck. ahahaha, So that was an epic fail. I had to ask Tiffany for something to cover it up. When my mom came to pick me up, I had to hide it with my hair and bend my head a little lower than usual.

Lets just say, I am currently wearing one of my polo shirts. Haha, I had to lie to Nanette that I fell on a doorknob to prevent her from unintentionally asking me later in front of my parents. Though I had to hide it from everyone in my family, besides Richard, it wasn't all that bad. Well, I did have to ice it. But when I looked into the mirror, I couldn't help but chuckle. ^_^

By the way Shabu, I recently started on a new anime: Special A

It reminds me of School Rumble. The randomness, the oblivious girl, and the "hopelessly-in-love" boy. But rather than your usual sap, this anime is actually quite witty and hilarious. There are 24 episodes. =]

You take me away, To a place I’ve never been.

Hello Shabu!

Today is my second day of pms-ing and uhh, it's a lot better than yesterday. Though I'm kind of sad I could not go to Ihop with Thong today. Parents have been going to that place again. And once again, things aren't going too good. They'd come home early in the morning and be moody the entire day. I really hate it when they go there. In fact, they're there right now.

But moving on, I talked to Thong on the phone for almost four hours today. Pretty cool. But then I noticed that well, he still has his essay to do. And I'm not even going through with my so-called plan! >:O Either way, he'd just hit the television. -_-

Brian invited me to his birthday party next Saturday. He said it's a small party and I didn't want him to clarify. So I wonder if that means I can bring Thong with me or no. But it's so cool. He's celebrating his birthday, his mom's, and his baby sister's. So I'm guessing they all have August birthdays. o_O Now I have to brainstorm what to buy for him. I was thinking something from the movie UP. But then I just realized - he has a bunch of UP stuff. So maybe something else. Well, after visiting Thong at UCI on Monday, I'll go shopping with Nancy to see if I can get him something.

I brought Tata out to meet Dobie again today. Though it was quite different from the previous encounter. Dobie walked away and looked at me with such sad eyes. He wasn't even barking. He was just sad, and of course jealous. And the funny thing is that Tata decided that there was no threat, so she curled back into a ball and fell asleep. I mean, Dobie wouldn't even look at her. It wasn't until I moved her back inside did he play with me. And this also had to involve a bunch of cooing and baby-talking. I mean, he still is a puppy. -_- A big puppy. And in the end, he still didn't get close to her. I closed the door and I was feeding Tata when I felt as though someone was staring at me. So I turned around, and right behind the metal door, Dobie's gaze caught mine. LOL, it was too funny. But my dog is a stalker.

Talked to Bach to brainstorm events that our group can do together. So, those two are super scared of roller coasters. -_- Just like Thong. Then we came up with movies night, or movie marathon.

My leg's killing me. The aching just came back today and now, I think I'll have to resort to Tylenol because its a bad one.

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change. And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away.

With Thong, I learned to settle for it. It's not what I want. It's not something I choose. It's not like I have a choice. But I settle for it, simply because it's the only thing I can do. It's the only option. And so, I settle with seeing him once or twice a week.

My tears run down like razorblades. And no, I'm not the one to blame.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

You just don't understand. Is one day in an entire week really enough? Sometimes, because you seem to go perfectly fine without me, I feel a need to just do things that don't involve you to shove it in your face. Just so you can see how it feels. Hence, I'm contemplating summer school. Already doing gym. Anything that doesn't involve you because "you shouldn't matter." Yup, you're not supposed to "affect me this much."

Well, I'll have you know that couples should affect each other that much. And they do. And seeing how one-sided this affecting is, it's not really working out. If this is what you're looking for, then quite frankly, you will not find it in a relationship.

And all I ever thought you'd be, that face is tearing holes in me again.

Well Shabu, he managed to do it again. Went over a week without getting mad at him. I guess that's just impossible. Though it may be a good thing because it shows that I still care. I was wondering why suddenly, I didn't seem to care about the things that should have hurt. -_-

He told me in the last two months that we'd go to Six Flags. Then suddenly, he doesn't want to go. Nope, he'd rather go to Disneyland. He wouldn't even go to the OC Fair because apparently, he's saving up for Disneyland. But no, that didn't got me mad. Just a little disappointed, but not mad or sad.

See, he said, "You have your family and Bach and Anh-Thuy and your friends. I'm sure you'll have fun with them." He also said, "After I go to Disneyland and you go to Six Flags, we can analyze and compare the two together."

I guess he doesn't understand that I want to spend the time with him at the theme park. But no, he didn't get it. He shoved me to other people and basically told me, "What's the difference? They can replace me. You'll have fun without me."

And the thing that got me really depressed is the fact that apparently, he can go to Disneyland and have fun without me. Nope, he's decided to go. And if I choose Six Flags, his decision won't change. Because either way, he'll be able to have fun at Disneyland. Yup. There is no difference if I go or not.

But in addition to this, something at the back of my mind told me that he was going to go with Heather and Michelle. And that thought was gnawing at me, until finally, with all the pressure, sadness, and anger, I couldn't bear it any longer and hung up on him. See, woman's intuition. That's something you don't know how to question. But something tells me that Heather fancies Thong. Right after Winter Formal, she approached me and said, "Well, nothing will probably happen between you guys. It's just a dance." I don't know, but it seemed as though she was trying to reassure herself. She told me "Aww, Thong is just too sweet and cute. You should have seen how he reacted when you asked him to Formal." But at the same time, the tone of her voice was something different. Jealousy? Envy? I have no idea. Then she talks a little, and randomly brings up Thong, and ends it with asking for his birth date. And well, I can't help it. But I swear it was an accident. I had Thong's yearbook when she returned it to me. So I kept it at home until Thong came over, and I'd return it. Bach had my yearbook then, so I opened his to read over senior remembrance. And right on the front cover, I saw my name. Curiosity got the better of me, and next thing you know, I read the line. I don't remember much, but I know it goes something like this. "You're such a sweet guy. Sometimes, you make me wish that I were Cristina instead." And well, I am so sure that there is some truth in that. And then, there's Disneyland. I went on Thong's Facebook after he added me. And smack at the top of the page was her comment. Well, she asked Thong to go to Disneyland with her and Michelle. And well, that says everything. See, she and I were close friends. Notice "were." But nonetheless, we're still friends. And usually, a noble friend would not leave comments as such in her friend's boyfriend's yearbook. A noble friend wouldn't ask her friend's boyfriend to Disneyland without asking the friend. I don't know. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this. But hey, woman's intuition.

And now that Thong's suddenly going to Disneyland, I can't help but go back to thinking about this. He said, "I'm going with Thang and mom and uhh... anyone else who wants to go." I wonder exactly what he meant by that.

Update: 1:12 A.M.

But onwards, today was a horrible day. I felt the fireball feeling in my throat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to cuss at someone. And I wanted to just give up at the same time. Dad's still being an asshole. Even if I am right, I must keep my mouth shut at all times. Yups, and because he is dad, he is always right. I speak up to defend Nancy and Richard and I get in trouble. I speak up to give reasons to an argument and I get in trouble. I speak up to tell him what I think and I get in trouble. And so, I might as well shut up. And he told me that it is best that I shut up. And so, I'll just talk to him when I need to. Other than that, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can't wait to get out of here. I fucken swear, sometimes I hate this place, this atmosphere, so much. And when I'm up in LA, I'll show them.

This world is such a bitter and damned place. The people are fucked up. There are those without families. Then there are those with families who simply don't care. Then there are those with fucked up families. Then there are those with fake families. And in this world, you can't trust anyone. I'm sick of trying to find the good in people. Sick of being good and hoping that people can be the same. Because that's not how it works. In the end, it's a "dog-eat-dog" world. It's every man for himself. And if you can't deal with it, you lose. You get weeded out. And you'll be just another unknown corpse. A failure. Time and time again, people will stab you right in the face. They'll kick you in the guts and pour salt into your wound. They'll smother you with a pillow until your lungs run dry.

Then again, some people just make up for all of it. Because in the end, your family's all you got. If not, your spouse. Your peers. Somewhere, there's gotta be that someone that makes it worthwhile. That'll watch your back so you can watch your face. That'll pick you up and heal your scars. That'll share that oxygen with you.

LOL, boy that sounds like a bunch of bs. But whatever. Feels good to finally let it out.

So much more to say. So much to be done.

Good day shabu!!

Today Thong asked me to go watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was pretty good! Besides the fact that Nanette needed me to take her to the restroom and by the time I came back, Dumbledore was already dead. -_- Then we hopped to My Sister's Keeper but we weren't able to finish the last ten minutes of the movie.

Half-way through the movie, something struck me. There were many doctors in the movie. And I thought about how most of us want to grow up to become accomplished doctors in one way or another. We go to school to study and learn for eight to fourteen years simply to become these doctors. And well, doctors are simply ordinary people. Like everyone else, they're just people. They may have a distinguished occupation, but they're still people who will live and die like any other. They'll never be a Micheal Jackson, a Mother Theresa, a Kobe Bryant, or an Abraham Lincoln. Nope, just a doctor something. But why is it that most of us want to pursue the medical field? Is it for the prestige? The fortune? The importance? The feeling of doing good deeds?

But moving on. In the movie, Kate is a victim of cancer, specifically leukemia. She lives each day understanding that she can die any time. And she falls in love with a boy who is also a cancer victim. These people who are suffering from diseases and sicknesses. Who have their lives dangling on a mere thread. Who become burdens to those around them - however cruel that may seem. How do they live their lives? We, on the other hand, planned out our entire future. We have dreams, aspirations. We have places we want to go to, things we want to do, words we want to say, and people we want to stay with. And yet, with such a limited time, what would we do? In such a case, every other thing seems insignificant. And in the end, Kate chose to spend her time with the boy she grew to love. You can do all the things you want to do in life. Go to fun and interesting places. Learn at prestigious schools. Become that one prominent figure. Make a fortune. But in the end, if you're alone, it'll all be for nothing. The gratification would just dissolve into...nothing. Emptiness.

I wish this could last forever, as if this could last forever.

So I haven't blog in a while. Spent most of the day talking to Thong over the phone. Though I must say today is a lot more... playful than most days. Tell me what you think.

"How about some strawberry sensation bursting flavor in your mouth."

"I'll put some joy sauce in your mouth."

LOL, am I right? or am I right? *kudos to TT* But the day started with some more serious things. Thong called early in the morning, - ehh...afternoon - to tell me about his dream. But what's even more important was the worse dream he's ever had:

He grew up to be a restaurant owner. His dad was still weary and tired and hard at labor. His mom toiled around the house. And his brother made nothing of himself. And worse of all, he let it happen. He didn't have the chance to take his mom out to see the world. Or give his dad a chance to relax. Or encourage his brother in any way possible and show him his concern. But the most surprisingly bad thing was that he had a wife and a kid. To be tied down so soon when he hasn't become a man yet. And I guess, he was trying to tell me to live my life, do what I want, do all of the things that I've ever wanted to do, before I settle down.

Of course, I have full intentions to do just that. There's just so much to see. So much to do.

Now getting away from that topic, something blah happened today. I used my Cal Grant ID to do my AlcoholEdu exam for UCLA. I asked Cindy and she told me to get the number from the Cal Grant letter. Though now, she doesn't recall ever telling me that. =[ And UCLA also sent me a notice telling me to redo my bruin card because apparently, the resolution is poor. -__-

gnight Shabu.

I need a little more luck than a little bit, cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit.

Hellooo there Shabu!! Miss me?

So today, I woke up at 6:30 A.M. to call Thong. And usually, I'd call at 6:35. So I went back to sleep for that five minutes. In the end, I woke up at 7:51. heh, that was an epic fail. Worse thing is that this time, he actually waited for the phone up to 6:45. =[

I slept a lot today. Played with Tata for a bit too. She was sleeping, so I stuck my index finger in and left it in front of her face. And I guess she sensed me or whatnot, because she woke up and just scratched at it. I swear, she took out her two tiny paws and tried to claw at it. LOL, and she did it all the way until I withdrew my finger from the cage. Then she curled up and settled back down under the wheel.

Later, I went to the gym and I worked on my tummy. Afterward, I weighed myself only to discover that I've gained five pounds in one week. Which is simply IMPOSSIBLE! stupid scale, IT'S WRONG!!

Then we went to Pho Lu to eat dinner. I ordered com tam at a pho restaurant. hahah, but really, I felt like eating rice. Speaking of rice, Thong has been eating more rice lately, LMAO!! Then we bought some food and went to Tiffany's house to visit her mom. Roxy was just too adorable. And she has such a keen nose. She was able to smell the treat even after I hid it. ^_^

We left at 12:00 A.M. and Thong called. hehee, then I told him about the plan to talk less and work more, and he was like, "Okay, if that's what you want." o_O I wonder if that's how I sound everytime he says that we should talk less, hug less, spend less time with each other, etc. lol, but I had good intentions! Then while we were talking, dad got pissed off at Rocco and started cussing. And worse things happened so I muted Thong. And now, I'm off to bed. Though I'm extremely pissed off and have half a mind to smack the guy and give him a piece of my mind. But yeah, they're all thoughts. -_- Maybe one day, I'll have the guts to do it when I need to.

For you, I will.

Shabu!!

So today was swap meet day!! I had three hours of sleep simply because I couldn't find a sleeping position that would allow my body to rest from the aching cramps. I woke up and the aches intensified tenfold! Not only that, my arms and elbows hurt so much. Especially my right arm. I couldn't set both arms down straight, so the entire morning I bent them at the elbows. Mom gave me super strong painkillers and I guessed it worked by 11:00 A.M. or so. ^_^ Work was hot today. And it was slow too. Barely any customers. And I confessed to my parents about the hamster. I told them that Thong and I got her together. And dad got worked up over it. "IT'S A RAT!" lol, but mom wanted to see what it looked like. And so I told Thong to take her out when he comes.

At around 12:00 P.M. he came out with the hamster. And yup, dad didn't like her. And he wanted us to sell her. So we got her - food and everything included - for $55 yesterday. And now, I was planning to sell her for $30. Though really, I don't want to sell her at all! So I tried to find a way so that Thong and I can still visit her. And Tiffany became the solution. Now hopefully, her mom will give in. ^_^ If all fails, I'll take her to LA with me or something. She's so scintillating, clever, and simply adorable. Almost as much as Thong! ALMOST... don't tell him though. xD

Speaking of Thong, he was so quiet and...emo today? He claimed to be helping us watch the tools, but he seemed so absorbed into his thoughts. Then I found out that he lost his mom's cell phone. But seriously, I don't understand why people don't return it. -_- So after some hamster time and talking time, we went to browse the swap meet. First stop was to the restroom to wash our hands. LOL, then we checked out the football stadium. I think he liked it. He had on such a nostalgic expression. And I showed him to other places. We then drank orange juice and ate beef tacos. Overall, it was nice. Though I was trying to cheer him up but I really didn't know how. So I just squeezed his hand. Which reminds me... I noticed that lately, when we get together, we make out a lot! And so, I'll try to do it only once in a while. That way, we can actually focus on one another. Though, I think once the mood's perfect, it's nearly impossible to just let it go.

He helped us pack up today. lol, it was pretty nice. For some reason, it didn't seem as hard and back-breaking as other days. Maybe my mind was occupied or something. Well, when I got home, I showed Tata to Dobie again. And Dobie got jealous and ran back and started barking and snorting at us. Too cute. The hamster's currently outside now though. She's in front under the truck thingy. But I put a shirt over her cage so that she'll warm up. I need to get her to Tiffany's house soon because she'll probably catch a cold or suffer from heat exhaustion if she stays outside. I also found out that her droppings change color based on the food she consumes. THAT'S A WOW! But yeah, she also recognizes her owners' scents. Maybe that's why she didn't bite me. I was the first one to hold her and I was also the first one she bit. ^_^ I'll try to teach her how to respond to her name. Though I love how she wiggles her ears, almost subconsciously, each time we make a smooching sound.

I came home and slept for three hours. Then I ate and realized that I had to finish some alcohol exam/course online for UCLA. And apparently, it's due the 20th. Though, I wasn't sure if it meant by the 20th or last day is the 20th. Three hour thing. I finished it in roughly 2 hours - at 12:43 A.M. LOL, so yeah, if I'm late, I'm late. -_- Right now, I'm going back to add on to today's blog. Now I'm tired again. I'll wait till Thong finishes his essay. Then I'll tell him goodnight and have him get his rest. He's probably tired. In the mean time, I guess I'll go look up some T-Mobile stuff. Hopefully, he can use that one SIM card that came with my Blackberry.

Time falls away, but these small hours.... these little wonders still remain.

Hey you!!

So Friday I was mad at Thong for suddenly canceling the 24 Hour Fitness thing. I went late at night because I simply didn't feel like going after that. He called at 1:00 in the morning right after I got out of the pool. So I told him I'd call him back because I was still planning to change, go home, shower, and eat. And when I did at 2:00 or so, his mom picked up and told me that it's already too late and that Thong's asleep.

He called back a while later and we talked a little. I just wasn't up to the talking because he seemed so nonchalant about it. And so that day, we talked for only 30 minutes total. Then I hung up and went to bed. And that night, I was so sad about it. Because I looked ahead and predicted that the future would be a lot worse since we will barely have enough time. And I was pretty sure that things weren't going right. I think I cried a little that night.

The next morning, I was supposed to go eat with the group. And I got ready and wasn't planning to tell Thong because I was mad and I assumed that he'd probably prefer spending time with his essay. But somehow, in the end, I had Richard call him for me. *His mom probably has a bad impression with the late night calling!! Very improper. =[* I invited him and surprisingly, he said yes.

So we went to the Boiling Crab. We ordered one pound shrimp and 10 hot wings with fries. It was nice. Then we went to the park at Bolsa to just...chill. And later, Thong took me to Pet City to look around. We ended up buying a hamster. Well, I bought it without thinking or planning ahead. And I dragged Thong into it too. Then we went to Petco to buy her cage, food, chewing toy, and bedding.

In the end, Thong named her Tata! LOL, though I'm adding on. She'll be Tata Thai! ahaha, it sounds sooo cool. We took her to my house and Nanette, Rocco, and Nancy were excited to play with her. But we had to hide her because my parents wouldn't approve. That night, she slept outside in the cold at Thong's house because he couldn't keep it inside.

I read some inspirational stories before I headed off to bed. I particularly liked these quotes:

- "We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

- "People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel."

- "Sometimes people say things out of moments of fury. Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental. We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones. And even though we know that we ought to 'think twice and act wisely,' it's often easier said than done.'"

- "Men stumble over pebbles, never over mountains."

I noticed something today. It just...hit me. I'm much too selfish. Thong has his class. He has his work. He has his family. He has his friends. He has his own life. And yet, I always expect so much out of him. Always taking away his time, whether it be by phone or in person. Taking away the time he could have used to rest up instead. And so, I've decided. It'll be hard, but I'll give it a try gradually. Let him finish his work and rest up before spending his Cristina time with me. I gotta let him go. ^_^

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad.

I'm sorry Shabu. Of course I haven't abandoned you. ^_^

I'm hooked to such an emo song, yet at the same time I don't know why. Perhaps one day, it'll serve its purpose.

Nobody Knows It But Me - The Tony Rich Project

So yesterday, I had a strange case of giddiness and I felt as though I was on cloud nine. LOL, it was a bit uncanny. As though I was the one being the big baby that constantly needed pampering. And when I woke up today, I laughed at the thought. lol

I had to take a 2" x 2" picture of myself and mail it in for my BruinCard. This was supposed to be done two months ago. LOL So I was rushing it to get it to the post office by 5 P.M. And well, it was quite a hassle. Same with the laptop rebate thing. I swear, they add on all these required things just to make it difficult for you to claim the rebate. >:[

So today, I ate rice and canh..? and chips and cereal. yeahh. Should've gone to eat with Nancy, Amy, and Huong though. Blah, didn't know Thong was going to cancel the 24 Hour Fitness because of his essay.. on a Friday night. Sall good.

So I don't know if I should invite him to the lunch gathering tomorrow. Or the beach after that. He seems so....busy. He said he'd go to the swapmeet this Sunday. heh, I shouldn't get my hopes too high.

Stupid cell phone doesn't have that thingy where you attach your little phone key chain thingy. I got two too. A pooh bear notebook thing for thong and me. notebook.. get it?? hahahah, well, I can't get it on my phone. And Thong currently doesn't have a phone. so blahh.

GAHHH, the song's on REPEAT!! But it's so addictingg.. But it makes me feel sooo...down. -_-'

I'm so sore. My thighs are sore. My hips are sore. ehhh, if I do go to the gym today, I'll probably go super late. Don't feel up to it right now. -_- I'll work on my arms. No lower portion of body today.

Cause every moment, we share together, is even better, than the moment before.

I won’t promise you forevers;
they’re simply overrated.
Though I am sure of one thing -
the time that we have dated.
So wonderful, so beautiful, so meaningful.
Because at present, everything feels right.
So I’ll embrace this moment.
I swear, I’ll hold on tight.
Somehow, someway, we’ll get along,
But for now, Cristina for Thong.

So today was our 4 month anniversary. And let's just say, I overslept so I had to finish up the little poem and the gift wrapping before I leave for Thong's house. And right when I finished getting ready, my parents decided that they wanted to go to Costco. So I had to wait for them to finish dressing up. -_-

I got him a football jersey and football pendant. On the jersey, I had the place engrave Cristina for Thong. hehee, though its strange. I now know how the place makes its money. Engraving alone cost more than the gift itself. haha strange indeed. When I got home, I realized that the necklace chain was super long. Like gansta long or so! LOL. and so I cut off about 8 inches so that it would be just right.

Went to Thong's house and while he was preparing the gift - AHAHA - I talked to his mom. And yeah, it was really nice. ^_^ She seemed so lonely and sad though. And ten minutes into the conversation, I saw how tired she was. I'm hoping that Thong and his family will appreciate her more.

When his mom went to pick up Thang, I spent the time talking to Thong. And after talking for quite a while, it escalated into something much more intimate. And I'd be lying if I say I didn't enjoy it. Though, I think I like it best when he just holds me in his arms. The heated passion is a bonus of course. haha. Jackpot on the neck and ears. ^^ And he told me about his dream. So...playboy bunnies and rejection. o_O I found it hilarious!

We then went into the kitchen to try out our cooking skills. He sliced up the Chinese sausages and I mixed the eggs. And we combined it and it tasted quite heavenly! Okay, so I exaggerated a bit. Big deal! =] We ate that with the chow mein his mom made. And by the time Thang and his mom came home, we had big bellies to show off. We then proceeded to do the dishes. It was his first time. And first thing he did was accidentally splash the soap solution over the clean dishes. lol

And after that, Thong scurried up to his room to finish up the present. LOL, I swear, he can be so utterly cute sometimes. Mom came to pick me up and Thong tried to finish up the last touches. And then he presented it to me. And I must say, I was quite touch at how much thought he put into it. hehee, It was a small cube with notebook pages. The cover is silky smooth and the sides are littered with perfect pink spheres. Notebook pages. ^_^ And I was planning something similar too! But a photo album that tells a story instead. With blank pages to fill in as we go along. =] We'll see though. Then when I gave him his gift; it was so worth it. I loved it! His expression that time is something I'll always remember. His eyes started out big and round - if that were possible. And then they softened up and his eyebrows arched upward a little. And his open mouth turned into a gentle smile. He immediately put it around his neck and kissed the pendant. ahahaha, funny. Because right before I wrapped it up, I too, gave it a kiss. And when he saw me off and walked back into his house, he picked it up and just held it in his hand. =]

Overall, I had a splendid day. One of the best, I can safely say. Though I know that Thong's super tired. He had 5 hours of sleep and he hasn't done his reading yet. And so, he'll wake up at 5 A.M. tomorrow to read. I'll probably call him at 6:30 then just to say good morning.

Well then, goodnight Shabu!!

Sometimes I love you more than you'll ever know. Other times you get on my nerves.

Hey Shabu!!

I will talk about Saturday, the 11th first! Yeah?? So that night I slept and I was still super emo. Two times I dreamt of him. And both times in the dream, we made up after the argument we had from Thursday and the awkward silence from Friday. And in both dreams, I was so happy that we made up.

When I woke up, there was still no call. And when two o' clock rolled around, I gave up and believed that he had forgotten - either that, or he was too mad to call. And so, I gunbounded my day away. And at around three, he called me while I was playing gb.

He asked if I were free that day, and I said yes. Of course I was free. I put off everything for our date. lol And so he came over to my house to sing happy birthday to my dad and after that, he took me out. In his car with my dad's consent too!!

He drove me to petco! And though I know normal dates do not take place there, it was absolutely sweet and thoughtful. =] The hamsters were just too cute and the rat took me by surprise. LMAO. Okay, so I did NOT know that rats have such large.....thingies. And when it woke up and crawled out of it's little house, I saw it's thingies! And Thong tried to cover my eyes!! LOL!! And, it was a huge rat. So much for medium size. -_- We went away and I told Thong, "That was huge!!" And he replied, "Did you mean the rat or the uhh...thing?" Ahahaha, tooo cutee!! But yeah, I meant the rat. xD

Then we went to the Block to watch Ice Age 3!! Ehehehe, the dinosaurs were absolutely adorable. Big round eyes. And their foreheads were soo...out there? Ya know what I mean?? hehehe... And of course, we had the occasional laughing, hugging, touching, cuddling, and kissing.

And then we went shopping for his shoes. ^_^ He got a pair of black Vans, which if I may say, looks very nice on him. Then we went to eat at Johnny Rockets! First place we ate at too. And our day concluded with a kiss - or a few - behind his car. =]

For some strange reasons, Shabu, we get into a lot of arguments. Usually, these take place over the phone or online or whatnot. But when we do meet up and spend time together, everything just..rights itself. And everything seems perfect at the moment. And I would feel absolutely content. Perhaps more. I don't know. It seems as though I've become...rather needy and clingy. But I am working around that. ^_^ Gym will give me a chance to take a break and get my mind off of things. And I also have family, friends, and the internet to keep me occupied.