We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.

Well Shabu, I apologize. I do tend to talk to you mostly when I am boiling with negative emotions. It's reasonable though. When I am happy, I tend to share that with people who are important to me. And with sadness, it just seems better to keep to myself.

But if not for the anime I just finished today, I'd be drowning in my own pool of misery. -_-

lalala, They've been going there a lot lately. And I think they lost a lot because they'd come home pissed off.

Last night, Richard and Rocco played games up till 5:00 A.M. Dad walked out and saw and he just exploded. He dragged Nancy and me out of bed and made us all kneel for well over half an hour.

LOL, I think I'm getting older. Or my knees are getting weaker. But whatever the reason, I couldn't kneel as long as back then. -_- I mean, back then I could kneel while holding a can of beer in each hand! And that was as a kid. But now, after ten minutes or so, my knees got tired and they started shaking. Well, at least it was just kneeling. Dad started lecturing us all at five in the morning. Richard plays game. Richard gets bad grades. Richard influences Rocco. Rocco plays games. Rocco gets bad grades. Nancy and Cristina are horrible older sisters who do not look after their brothers. Hence, they are the ones to blame.

Well, during the lecture, Richard got frustrated and said, "They [Nancy and I] were asleep, just like you and mom!" And dad burst and got the hanger and started wooping him. He broke that one and he got another and did it again. Rocco got mad and stood up and he started hitting him randomly too. He then ran into the room, angrily grabbed Rocco's two-weeks-old laptop, and smashed it into the marble floor. We all yelled at him but he merely picked up the laptop, and smashed it into the floor again. By this time, he was hysterical. He was yelling, and screaming, to the brink of crying - with no tears. And after smashing it for the fifth time or so, he stopped. He was panting, and he yelled some more, and then he walked away.

He later walked out, asked me if he's right, and I replied, "You're right, but you're teaching with the wrong method. You'll just have to buy another laptop, break that one, buy another, break that one, over and over again." And he said he wouldn't buy another one.

I merely scoffed at him. He said I can stop kneeling. But I was stubborn. And I looked back at the other three kneeling, straightened my back, and said, "No need."

Well, when he destroys things, the girls end up cleaning things up. So next thing you know, Nancy and I were cleaning up the pieces of the laptop. Rocco suddenly moved and he started crying. And Rocco rarely cries. I haven't seen him cry in so long. Apparently, when he struck Rocco, he hit the back of his skull and neck, where he had his surgery. And it suddenly started pounding and throbbing and hurting. And so, I slept with him today. At seven in the morning, I went to bed with Richard and Rocco to make sure he's okay. Nancy cried herself to sleep. Nanette pulled the covers over her head and tried to sleep. Mom was tired. And dad? He wallowed up in remorse, guilt, anger, and frustration.

I woke up at 4:00 P.M. Parents were away. I checked my phone and no missed calls or text messages. Today was supposed to be our date. Our Christmas date. lol, we were supposed to meet up today. Exchange presents. Have dinner. Hang out. But the day went by, and he didn't call. And I didn't feel like calling, because that would be history repeating itself all over again. So we didn't go on the date. Partly, because he seemed to have forgotten. Partly, because of family. And Partly, because I suddenly didn't care.

I spent the day finishing the anime. It was awesome. I guess anime is in many ways like fanfics. I blogged about it once. I watch anime when I'm bored, when I'm sad, when I want to get away, when I want to feel. And today, the series entertained me, made me happy, kept my mind off of things, and made me feel as though everything is all right.

Thong called. In fact, I just told him I'd call back later because I need to blog it now. Maybe after this, it'll be easier to talk to someone who is completely dense as to why I am the way I am now. The phone call was a good one. He was wrapping presents with Thang. But as I suspected, he did forgot about our date. Though he assumed that I am mad and disappointed with who he is and when he is honest about it. Well, I guess that was part of my discontent. I probably don't really know who he is. And when he asked jokingly, "Are you having second thoughts," I couldn't help but reply "yes." Though, I don't think I was joking. I'm losing sight of everything that I once thought I knew.

Perhaps because of a lot of things going on at once, my mind is getting clouded with hesitation. But I seriously did consider what he asked. Am I really in love with him. Or am I in love with the way he sometime makes me feel. Am I blinded by the lovey-dovey side so much that when I see another side, I pull away. I don't know anymore. Hopefully, it'll all become clear soon.

We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick.

Today's date with Thong was quite horrible. =/ I don't know why, but after he got the call, he went cold on me. The cussing didn't help. Speeding away before I even got into my house didn't help. And certainly, the night phone conversation did not either. In fact, I think it made it worse. He can be so brutally blunt sometime by showing such distaste in the conversation at hand. Well, if that's how he wants it.

It's okay by me, it's okay by me, it's okay by me, it was a long time ago.

I had... a dream today. One that I haven't had in a long time. It was nostalgic, but comforting.

Baby You Have Become My Addiction.

Midterms are over Shabu! Yeahh!! I feel so giddy. They weren't that bad. All in all, everything was reasonable and fair. I hope I did well.

Last week, I was really sick. I haven't been that sick in a while. And I was away from home too. Mom ended up going up to LA so that she could do the coin thing on me and bring me medicine and food and orange juice. After that though, I felt a lot better. I just fell asleep. On Friday, it was probably a 9/10 on how sick I was. By Saturday, it went down to a 4/10. Yup, coin thing works.

Thong came up Saturday to visit. It was really nice. =] He spent Halloween with me and he helped me study for my chemistry midterm. LOL, and we also advanced our relationship a little more.

He bought me five hour energy drinks, ethernet cable, and LED light to read in the dark. It's really sweet of him, very thoughtful. Hahaha, my internet hasn't dced since then. o_O So it was my internet... lol! And the energy drink is crazy. It keeps you on a high... I think? Well, basically, I couldn't go to sleep easily after that. hahaha

And guess what! He found my bracelet! =) heheheheh, seriously, I don't know why, but I felt a lot better wearing it while taking my midterm.

Well you drive me crazy half the time; the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.

So Thong visited me this Saturday. Hmm, a lot of things happened that day. Things that I never even imagined would happen happened. It changed the pace of our relationship. But then again, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't think so. I've been putting off thinking about it. And now that I am, I guess we moved a little fast.

And I was scared at first. I mean, suddenly, I was questioning my self-worth. I was just as wrong as he was. I didn't say stop. And even then, would I have wanted him to stop? I've been asking myself this. I don't know. I guess we lost to lust and desires. And once that happened, there was no turning back.

So I've come up with a conclusion after a lot of thinking. We're always redefining our values. Always. And it just so happens that now, I'm redefining mine. It doesn't make us bad people. It shouldn't be something we feel guilty about. After all, I did it with Thong, a very important person in my life. Someone I really care about. Someone I want to share happy moments with. And when I think of it that way, it makes sense. And things fall into place.

So I won't try to fight with what's right and what's wrong. I'm doing this with the one person I love. And that itself, is authentic. I'm merely improvising my values a little is all.

I talked to Thong today. And he sounded like he was crying. I don't know. But I think he was blaming himself. And that just tore at me because he shouldn't be the one carrying this weight alone. We're in this together.

How do I deal without you.

It feels strange that we won't talk tonight....

And when I hear my phone ring, I can't help but think it's you. I've been conditioned into thinking the ring tone means you're here.

So.. I just changed my ring tone. At least for the time being.

(Are you really in love) Or was I just a game to prove to yourself

He canceled the park.

There'll come a time when I'll get tired of these little arguments and let downs. And maybe then, I'll realize and accept that it's probably not worth it.