We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.

Well Shabu, I apologize. I do tend to talk to you mostly when I am boiling with negative emotions. It's reasonable though. When I am happy, I tend to share that with people who are important to me. And with sadness, it just seems better to keep to myself.

But if not for the anime I just finished today, I'd be drowning in my own pool of misery. -_-

lalala, They've been going there a lot lately. And I think they lost a lot because they'd come home pissed off.

Last night, Richard and Rocco played games up till 5:00 A.M. Dad walked out and saw and he just exploded. He dragged Nancy and me out of bed and made us all kneel for well over half an hour.

LOL, I think I'm getting older. Or my knees are getting weaker. But whatever the reason, I couldn't kneel as long as back then. -_- I mean, back then I could kneel while holding a can of beer in each hand! And that was as a kid. But now, after ten minutes or so, my knees got tired and they started shaking. Well, at least it was just kneeling. Dad started lecturing us all at five in the morning. Richard plays game. Richard gets bad grades. Richard influences Rocco. Rocco plays games. Rocco gets bad grades. Nancy and Cristina are horrible older sisters who do not look after their brothers. Hence, they are the ones to blame.

Well, during the lecture, Richard got frustrated and said, "They [Nancy and I] were asleep, just like you and mom!" And dad burst and got the hanger and started wooping him. He broke that one and he got another and did it again. Rocco got mad and stood up and he started hitting him randomly too. He then ran into the room, angrily grabbed Rocco's two-weeks-old laptop, and smashed it into the marble floor. We all yelled at him but he merely picked up the laptop, and smashed it into the floor again. By this time, he was hysterical. He was yelling, and screaming, to the brink of crying - with no tears. And after smashing it for the fifth time or so, he stopped. He was panting, and he yelled some more, and then he walked away.

He later walked out, asked me if he's right, and I replied, "You're right, but you're teaching with the wrong method. You'll just have to buy another laptop, break that one, buy another, break that one, over and over again." And he said he wouldn't buy another one.

I merely scoffed at him. He said I can stop kneeling. But I was stubborn. And I looked back at the other three kneeling, straightened my back, and said, "No need."

Well, when he destroys things, the girls end up cleaning things up. So next thing you know, Nancy and I were cleaning up the pieces of the laptop. Rocco suddenly moved and he started crying. And Rocco rarely cries. I haven't seen him cry in so long. Apparently, when he struck Rocco, he hit the back of his skull and neck, where he had his surgery. And it suddenly started pounding and throbbing and hurting. And so, I slept with him today. At seven in the morning, I went to bed with Richard and Rocco to make sure he's okay. Nancy cried herself to sleep. Nanette pulled the covers over her head and tried to sleep. Mom was tired. And dad? He wallowed up in remorse, guilt, anger, and frustration.

I woke up at 4:00 P.M. Parents were away. I checked my phone and no missed calls or text messages. Today was supposed to be our date. Our Christmas date. lol, we were supposed to meet up today. Exchange presents. Have dinner. Hang out. But the day went by, and he didn't call. And I didn't feel like calling, because that would be history repeating itself all over again. So we didn't go on the date. Partly, because he seemed to have forgotten. Partly, because of family. And Partly, because I suddenly didn't care.

I spent the day finishing the anime. It was awesome. I guess anime is in many ways like fanfics. I blogged about it once. I watch anime when I'm bored, when I'm sad, when I want to get away, when I want to feel. And today, the series entertained me, made me happy, kept my mind off of things, and made me feel as though everything is all right.

Thong called. In fact, I just told him I'd call back later because I need to blog it now. Maybe after this, it'll be easier to talk to someone who is completely dense as to why I am the way I am now. The phone call was a good one. He was wrapping presents with Thang. But as I suspected, he did forgot about our date. Though he assumed that I am mad and disappointed with who he is and when he is honest about it. Well, I guess that was part of my discontent. I probably don't really know who he is. And when he asked jokingly, "Are you having second thoughts," I couldn't help but reply "yes." Though, I don't think I was joking. I'm losing sight of everything that I once thought I knew.

Perhaps because of a lot of things going on at once, my mind is getting clouded with hesitation. But I seriously did consider what he asked. Am I really in love with him. Or am I in love with the way he sometime makes me feel. Am I blinded by the lovey-dovey side so much that when I see another side, I pull away. I don't know anymore. Hopefully, it'll all become clear soon.

We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick.

Today's date with Thong was quite horrible. =/ I don't know why, but after he got the call, he went cold on me. The cussing didn't help. Speeding away before I even got into my house didn't help. And certainly, the night phone conversation did not either. In fact, I think it made it worse. He can be so brutally blunt sometime by showing such distaste in the conversation at hand. Well, if that's how he wants it.