Sunday, August 30, 2009
If you just realized what I just realized.
Today Thong said something that made me feel really special. =]
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Who will drive my soul?
Too tired to talk about UCLA. The buildings were beautiful. The food was delicious. We played scavenger hunt on the second day. Ahahaha, of 19 groups, we came in third place. But was it worth it? It seemed like three miles. And we ran nonstop. At one in the morning.... Martin and Tuan are crazy! Fast though. But it was too much. I felt as though I was going to die. The only thing that kept me from giving up was the thought that I didn't want to let my group down. And I'm pretty sure of the ten people in the group, eight of them had that very reason. Everyone but Martin and Tuan. Heck, I'm still sore...
Signing up for classes was a pain in the ---. The site crashed for three hours. And when it finally worked, everyone was on the tour. So all the oc's had to take out their laptops and start registering for classes right in the middle of the tour. Our laptop broke.... So we had to resort to iphones... It was a horrible experience. People stressed out and a girl even cried. I was lucky. I was able to go first.
Thong came to visit on the last day. Though, he ended up walking around for six hours. We both couldn't see each other. So much for a tour together. =[ But we did eat at Taco Bell together and walk around campus. It was sweet of him to go up there. Thanks honey.
Signing up for classes was a pain in the ---. The site crashed for three hours. And when it finally worked, everyone was on the tour. So all the oc's had to take out their laptops and start registering for classes right in the middle of the tour. Our laptop broke.... So we had to resort to iphones... It was a horrible experience. People stressed out and a girl even cried. I was lucky. I was able to go first.
Thong came to visit on the last day. Though, he ended up walking around for six hours. We both couldn't see each other. So much for a tour together. =[ But we did eat at Taco Bell together and walk around campus. It was sweet of him to go up there. Thanks honey.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Lay down a list of what is wrong. The things you've told him all along.
Ah, fuck it. I hate it when it's my fault. Got into another damn argument. I don't even know how to approach this one.
Yesterday, when we hung up at 12:30 A.M., he said "Talk to you later." I went to take a shower and by 2:00 A.M., rather than talking, he just text my cell phone, "Goodnight and sweet dreams." I mean, would it hurt to just call to say that? Takes at most one minute. Maybe two if we're being playful.
Then today, at around 5:00 P.M., he IMed me up while I was invisible. It seems like he did it just to avoid the phone conversation. As though, "If I'm lucky, she'll be there and she'll respond. Otherwise, I'll have to call her." And well, he got lucky. But whatever, I didn't feel like talking simply because it seemed so forced coming from him. I mean, I guess I took it pretty well. I just watched anime the entire time and did enjoy it. Then he had to call at 9:00 P.M. or so. I mean, if you're going to do this, at least do it all the way. But no, he comes back and calls when he feels like it's convenient for him.
It's always like that. I'm the one who's always available. He takes that for granted and calls when he feels like it. And when he doesn't want to, he doesn't do it. Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that he can call at 2:00 A.M. and I'll be there to pick it up.
The conversation went smoothly at first. We joked around and talked and laughed. Then suddenly, I don't know what, but I just exploded. And I demanded an answer. And he gave the answer. He doesn't want to waste four hours talking on the phone each day. He'd rather read a book, run miles, or drive around at Irvine. The things he also didn't include are play video games and watch TV. I mean, it makes sense. Who would want to waste his summer talking on the phone 4 hours a day. Though it's not like we always did that. We used to talk simply because we couldn't see each other. Because of his homework and his work, back then the phone was the only option. But now, without work or school, I guess he just got sick and tired of it. Well, he did. He claims that he'd rather see me in real life. Of course. I mean, I do too. And suddenly, without the school and the work to hold him back, the blame falls on me.
But once again, what fucked up timing. Why the hell do my parents choose this time of all time to suddenly get back into it. To fuck up their lives and ours. Then he resorts to, "But, I want your parents to be home. I want to get permission." Apparently, from both of them. He would rather come and sit on the porch and talk. Or just stare at my window. lol, Of course he'll do that. Like all the other things he said. Just like all of the other crap he always say.
I know that he's right. Not that, but right about the four hours on the phone each day. It's ridiculous. But it's something I settle with. It's something I settled with ever since his work and his school. Back then, it was probably two or one hour though. But now, I don't even know. I guess the thing that pissed me off was the fact that he never had the guts to tell me that he didn't like it. That he felt like he needed to do it. Not wanted to do it. And so, because of his cowardly nature, he decided to gradually pull out. To gradually call less and talk less. To hope that I'm stupid enough to not notice what he was doing. Or at least have the decency enough to pretend to be stupid.
He said he liked talking on the phone. Just two days ago. Because when he talks on the phone, he actually talks to me. And he actually learns more about me. Then he goes and forgets what he said. Something only he'd do.
And that's why it hurt. Because suddenly, I had to question why he was doing it. If he didn't like the phone conversations. If he's bored of me. And I asked him that. His reaction said otherwise. But hey, that's what he's been asking me all along. Constantly too. Now he'll know how it feels.
I don't know. I guess, all I wanted for him to do was to tell me from the start. Because right when I became dependent on the calls, he pulled out. And it just left me hanging. And I hate that feeling. Should've told me sooner. I wonder if I hadn't asked him today, would he have told me at all.
I'd rather we spend time together. I'd give up the phone conversations to see him three days a week. But hey, with Thong, that may be asking too much.
Well, I should call back and apologize. This was my fault. But it stemmed from his gutless disposition. For some reason, I can only talk to him after I blog. Maybe that's when I finally let out my frustration and cool down. Then I'd talk to him without yelling or cussing or laughing bitterly.
Yesterday, when we hung up at 12:30 A.M., he said "Talk to you later." I went to take a shower and by 2:00 A.M., rather than talking, he just text my cell phone, "Goodnight and sweet dreams." I mean, would it hurt to just call to say that? Takes at most one minute. Maybe two if we're being playful.
Then today, at around 5:00 P.M., he IMed me up while I was invisible. It seems like he did it just to avoid the phone conversation. As though, "If I'm lucky, she'll be there and she'll respond. Otherwise, I'll have to call her." And well, he got lucky. But whatever, I didn't feel like talking simply because it seemed so forced coming from him. I mean, I guess I took it pretty well. I just watched anime the entire time and did enjoy it. Then he had to call at 9:00 P.M. or so. I mean, if you're going to do this, at least do it all the way. But no, he comes back and calls when he feels like it's convenient for him.
It's always like that. I'm the one who's always available. He takes that for granted and calls when he feels like it. And when he doesn't want to, he doesn't do it. Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that he can call at 2:00 A.M. and I'll be there to pick it up.
The conversation went smoothly at first. We joked around and talked and laughed. Then suddenly, I don't know what, but I just exploded. And I demanded an answer. And he gave the answer. He doesn't want to waste four hours talking on the phone each day. He'd rather read a book, run miles, or drive around at Irvine. The things he also didn't include are play video games and watch TV. I mean, it makes sense. Who would want to waste his summer talking on the phone 4 hours a day. Though it's not like we always did that. We used to talk simply because we couldn't see each other. Because of his homework and his work, back then the phone was the only option. But now, without work or school, I guess he just got sick and tired of it. Well, he did. He claims that he'd rather see me in real life. Of course. I mean, I do too. And suddenly, without the school and the work to hold him back, the blame falls on me.
But once again, what fucked up timing. Why the hell do my parents choose this time of all time to suddenly get back into it. To fuck up their lives and ours. Then he resorts to, "But, I want your parents to be home. I want to get permission." Apparently, from both of them. He would rather come and sit on the porch and talk. Or just stare at my window. lol, Of course he'll do that. Like all the other things he said. Just like all of the other crap he always say.
I know that he's right. Not that, but right about the four hours on the phone each day. It's ridiculous. But it's something I settle with. It's something I settled with ever since his work and his school. Back then, it was probably two or one hour though. But now, I don't even know. I guess the thing that pissed me off was the fact that he never had the guts to tell me that he didn't like it. That he felt like he needed to do it. Not wanted to do it. And so, because of his cowardly nature, he decided to gradually pull out. To gradually call less and talk less. To hope that I'm stupid enough to not notice what he was doing. Or at least have the decency enough to pretend to be stupid.
He said he liked talking on the phone. Just two days ago. Because when he talks on the phone, he actually talks to me. And he actually learns more about me. Then he goes and forgets what he said. Something only he'd do.
And that's why it hurt. Because suddenly, I had to question why he was doing it. If he didn't like the phone conversations. If he's bored of me. And I asked him that. His reaction said otherwise. But hey, that's what he's been asking me all along. Constantly too. Now he'll know how it feels.
I don't know. I guess, all I wanted for him to do was to tell me from the start. Because right when I became dependent on the calls, he pulled out. And it just left me hanging. And I hate that feeling. Should've told me sooner. I wonder if I hadn't asked him today, would he have told me at all.
I'd rather we spend time together. I'd give up the phone conversations to see him three days a week. But hey, with Thong, that may be asking too much.
Well, I should call back and apologize. This was my fault. But it stemmed from his gutless disposition. For some reason, I can only talk to him after I blog. Maybe that's when I finally let out my frustration and cool down. Then I'd talk to him without yelling or cussing or laughing bitterly.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
So hear me loneliness... Im giving up on you .
Happy 5th month sweetie!!
Yup, its our fifth month Shabu. Can you imagine it? For some reason, I've been thinking about how the last quarrel ended so much that I just don't feel like about writing it. But somehow, it worked out. He was being stubborn and he wanted to get back at me. That's how he felt. As for me, I was being stubborn too. And you pretty much know how I felt. But yeah. it worked out.
It's our 5th month but I postponed our date. LOL, he's not even done with his final essay. -_- Though he seems disappointed. I mean, I am too. >=[ It's not cool when he talks about being responsible to his girlfriend. Then goes and go on a date with her while he still has homework. In some way, it makes me feel like shit and it makes me feel as though it's my fault. But ehh.
I just got the recorder from Staples today. Actually, Nancy got it for me. I already knew what model to get so I just told her. I went yesterday but it was closed. Staples closes at 8:00 P.M. -_- That's really early. But yeah, it's perfect! I did a few tests and it works nicely. Simple and clear. Though, ahaha it picks up even the softest sound. So while I was recording myself, I heard Nanette's singing in the background. The door was closed and she was in the other room too. -_- So yeah, I hope it won't be too difficult for Thong. He's a bit behind when it comes to technology. LOL
Yup, its our fifth month Shabu. Can you imagine it? For some reason, I've been thinking about how the last quarrel ended so much that I just don't feel like about writing it. But somehow, it worked out. He was being stubborn and he wanted to get back at me. That's how he felt. As for me, I was being stubborn too. And you pretty much know how I felt. But yeah. it worked out.
It's our 5th month but I postponed our date. LOL, he's not even done with his final essay. -_- Though he seems disappointed. I mean, I am too. >=[ It's not cool when he talks about being responsible to his girlfriend. Then goes and go on a date with her while he still has homework. In some way, it makes me feel like shit and it makes me feel as though it's my fault. But ehh.
I just got the recorder from Staples today. Actually, Nancy got it for me. I already knew what model to get so I just told her. I went yesterday but it was closed. Staples closes at 8:00 P.M. -_- That's really early. But yeah, it's perfect! I did a few tests and it works nicely. Simple and clear. Though, ahaha it picks up even the softest sound. So while I was recording myself, I heard Nanette's singing in the background. The door was closed and she was in the other room too. -_- So yeah, I hope it won't be too difficult for Thong. He's a bit behind when it comes to technology. LOL
Sunday, August 9, 2009
How could you go... right when I needed you.
It's a shame
You see that I'm hurtin'
And you don't know what you did
You probably don't
even care to know
what it is
You promised that you'd be down
That you were my best friend
Was it all for nothin'
How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
You're the flame
I keep runnin' back to
you (back to you)
Feel the pain
I keep runnin' to you
Thinkin' somethin's gon' change
But now that the story is over
I'm turnin' the page
Maybe in history
How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
What goes around comes around
(No, no)
Me and you
Me and you (and you)
The tables have turned around And now
I'm lettin' you go
(No, go)
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
I was pretty bummed out today. Didn't really talk to anyone. Didn't really do anything. Didn't feel like saying or doing anything. I guess, two hours of crying and three hours of sleep does that to you. And throughout the day, the thought of breaking up plagued my mind and left me restless. And so I needed to get my mind off of him. So I went to browse around. Then I came to the book stall and then browsed through the books. And I left with two novels and a movie for Nanette. I started reading and surprisingly, it did work. My mind was occupied and if I were to absorb myself into the book, then the sinking-heart feeling and the tight, fireball throat feeling would ease. And at some point. I made a decision.
I will wait till 12:00 A.M. for him to call. If he doesn't, then from then on, I will not pick up his calls. In fact, I won't talk to him until he shows up in front of my house. And if he doesn't do that by Thursday, our five months anniversary, then I'll know what to do. It simply means he doesn't care. And it simply means that he's not worth it. And then, I'll break it off. This is his last chance. Last chance to show me that he's not like the rest of them. Heck, I was stupid and naive to think that he was different. But I'm still clinging to that hope for him to prove me wrong.
Either way, if it does end, I'll have two novels to keep me from resorting to the pathetic girl that cries and gives up on everything. Yeah, I'm prepared this time if it happens. At least, I hope I am. I wonder if he'll call.
BTW, I'm on page 180 now. =]
You see that I'm hurtin'
And you don't know what you did
You probably don't
even care to know
what it is
You promised that you'd be down
That you were my best friend
Was it all for nothin'
How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
You're the flame
I keep runnin' back to
you (back to you)
Feel the pain
I keep runnin' to you
Thinkin' somethin's gon' change
But now that the story is over
I'm turnin' the page
Maybe in history
How could you go
Right when I needed you
You never showed
The love that I'm
always showin' to you
Now you know that I'm
gonna leave you
You're tellin' me no
Cuz it's gonna hurt you
Feelin' so cold
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But karma's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
What goes around comes around
(No, no)
Me and you
Me and you (and you)
The tables have turned around And now
I'm lettin' you go
(No, go)
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
I wanted to know you
But karma's a trip now
You probably
shouldn't have let me
standin' alone
I wanted to love you
But kamra's a trip now
You probably should turn around
And take yourself home
Karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma, karma
It's just karma's a trip
I was pretty bummed out today. Didn't really talk to anyone. Didn't really do anything. Didn't feel like saying or doing anything. I guess, two hours of crying and three hours of sleep does that to you. And throughout the day, the thought of breaking up plagued my mind and left me restless. And so I needed to get my mind off of him. So I went to browse around. Then I came to the book stall and then browsed through the books. And I left with two novels and a movie for Nanette. I started reading and surprisingly, it did work. My mind was occupied and if I were to absorb myself into the book, then the sinking-heart feeling and the tight, fireball throat feeling would ease. And at some point. I made a decision.
I will wait till 12:00 A.M. for him to call. If he doesn't, then from then on, I will not pick up his calls. In fact, I won't talk to him until he shows up in front of my house. And if he doesn't do that by Thursday, our five months anniversary, then I'll know what to do. It simply means he doesn't care. And it simply means that he's not worth it. And then, I'll break it off. This is his last chance. Last chance to show me that he's not like the rest of them. Heck, I was stupid and naive to think that he was different. But I'm still clinging to that hope for him to prove me wrong.
Either way, if it does end, I'll have two novels to keep me from resorting to the pathetic girl that cries and gives up on everything. Yeah, I'm prepared this time if it happens. At least, I hope I am. I wonder if he'll call.
BTW, I'm on page 180 now. =]
Saturday, August 8, 2009
It's time to be a big girl now.. and big girls don't cry.
Today I cried my heart out.
It was supposed to be a good day. It was Brian's birthday party. And we were supposed to have fun at the party. That's how I wanted it to be. Though, it turned out to be one of the worst days I've had with Thong.
The day started out good. I came at 2:30 P.M. after buying ice for Brian. And that's when I noticed that Thong barely came too. It was a nice day. The weather was nice. The party was nice. The atmosphere was nice. Simply too nice.
At the party, Thong gave me a bracelet that he made at UCI orientation. I'm wearing it right now. It was sweet. But the day somehow made a turn for the worst. I noticed that Thong sat down and simply watched the guys play games. As though he was uncomfortable. Insecure. Afraid. And so, to ease that, I led him out to the jumper. I wanted him to have fun. To blend in with the crowd and enjoy himself. But he stuck out like a duck lost among a bunch of swans. Or was it the other way? I dragged him to the jumper and for the first few seconds, it was awesome. We jumped without a care in the world. That's until people started filing in, one by one. And even then, it was still nice. I managed to jump and tackle Thong with some help from the other guys.
But then, he left. Randomly, out of the blue, he left me there. Without a word. Without much of a look. And for the next few minutes, I told myself, "He's probably in the restroom," "He's probably getting a drink of water," "He's probably..." And that's when I went in to look for him. And there, I saw him on the couch watching the guys play games. I mean, the least he could do was tell me. Ask me to come along. Look over at me. Anything. But he just... walked away and left me there.
So I quickly left the house and entered the jumper again. He can have it his way. I'll just have fun by myself. And I did. For a while - however short it was - I managed to tackle people and get tackled without thinking of him. But somehow, it went back to him. After the jumper, I went in again and glanced at him. He was still watching them play video games. So I went to get food. Ate and talked with Anh-thuy and Cindy. And after a while, I went over to where he was and sat down on the hammock. I didn't acknowledge him though. Didn't even spare him a glance. I was disappointed, agitated, and hurting. And he didn't seem like he cared. And so I left for the jumper once again.
He said that he'd join me after one game of Mario Tennis. But it wasn't till 30 minutes later did he enter the jumper. And even then, he had his mind concentrated on what to get Brian rather than spending time with me. And as quickly as he entered the jumper, he left. For an entire hour too.
I swallowed my pride, anger, and sadness and decided that I should do something about it. I mean, we only get to see each other once a week. It would suck if we didn't at least spend the time together. So I walked over to the game room and took his hand. I looked at him and told him, "I'm going to steal you away now." It was meant to be playful. But I really wanted him to see through it and follow me. To comfort me and hug me. But he didn't. He let go of my hand. And when Brian blew the candles, Thong was out the door. He didn't wait for me. Didn't look around to see that I wasn't comfortable with the people who were there. Didn't hug me. Didn't even try to take a look at me as I fought back tears.
And when he left, I took out my phone to call my mom. I had only stayed because I wanted to spend time with him. I declined Bach and Anh-thuy's invitation to the park to stay back with him. But in the end, he threw it all in my face. Of the four hours we spent at Brian's house, one hour he spent buying Brian's gift, and the other two and a half hours he spent in front of the TV screen. I didn't even get to give him the little notebook.
I came home dejected. After my shower, Nanette told me Thong called. It turned out to be the pervert from last time. Though this time, it kind of freaked me out because I was only in a towel. But I cussed at him. I yelled at him. I vented all of my frustration and anger on him. And for a second, I thought that I was yelling at Thong. I don't think he'll ever call back. =]
I waited for his call. Waited with the phone in my hands. Waited with music pounding against my ear drums. And then, the tears started falling. And next thing I knew, I was weeping. Crying my heart out. Crying into the pillow as I listened to emo songs over and over again. Swallowing back the burning feeling in my throat and fighting the strain on my chest. And suddenly, it was like one of those long nights from a year ago. And that's when I noticed, he did just what I had hope he wouldn't. He did what I had feared from the beginning. He did what Danny did. He walked away from me.
It was supposed to be a good day. It was Brian's birthday party. And we were supposed to have fun at the party. That's how I wanted it to be. Though, it turned out to be one of the worst days I've had with Thong.
The day started out good. I came at 2:30 P.M. after buying ice for Brian. And that's when I noticed that Thong barely came too. It was a nice day. The weather was nice. The party was nice. The atmosphere was nice. Simply too nice.
At the party, Thong gave me a bracelet that he made at UCI orientation. I'm wearing it right now. It was sweet. But the day somehow made a turn for the worst. I noticed that Thong sat down and simply watched the guys play games. As though he was uncomfortable. Insecure. Afraid. And so, to ease that, I led him out to the jumper. I wanted him to have fun. To blend in with the crowd and enjoy himself. But he stuck out like a duck lost among a bunch of swans. Or was it the other way? I dragged him to the jumper and for the first few seconds, it was awesome. We jumped without a care in the world. That's until people started filing in, one by one. And even then, it was still nice. I managed to jump and tackle Thong with some help from the other guys.
But then, he left. Randomly, out of the blue, he left me there. Without a word. Without much of a look. And for the next few minutes, I told myself, "He's probably in the restroom," "He's probably getting a drink of water," "He's probably..." And that's when I went in to look for him. And there, I saw him on the couch watching the guys play games. I mean, the least he could do was tell me. Ask me to come along. Look over at me. Anything. But he just... walked away and left me there.
So I quickly left the house and entered the jumper again. He can have it his way. I'll just have fun by myself. And I did. For a while - however short it was - I managed to tackle people and get tackled without thinking of him. But somehow, it went back to him. After the jumper, I went in again and glanced at him. He was still watching them play video games. So I went to get food. Ate and talked with Anh-thuy and Cindy. And after a while, I went over to where he was and sat down on the hammock. I didn't acknowledge him though. Didn't even spare him a glance. I was disappointed, agitated, and hurting. And he didn't seem like he cared. And so I left for the jumper once again.
He said that he'd join me after one game of Mario Tennis. But it wasn't till 30 minutes later did he enter the jumper. And even then, he had his mind concentrated on what to get Brian rather than spending time with me. And as quickly as he entered the jumper, he left. For an entire hour too.
I swallowed my pride, anger, and sadness and decided that I should do something about it. I mean, we only get to see each other once a week. It would suck if we didn't at least spend the time together. So I walked over to the game room and took his hand. I looked at him and told him, "I'm going to steal you away now." It was meant to be playful. But I really wanted him to see through it and follow me. To comfort me and hug me. But he didn't. He let go of my hand. And when Brian blew the candles, Thong was out the door. He didn't wait for me. Didn't look around to see that I wasn't comfortable with the people who were there. Didn't hug me. Didn't even try to take a look at me as I fought back tears.
And when he left, I took out my phone to call my mom. I had only stayed because I wanted to spend time with him. I declined Bach and Anh-thuy's invitation to the park to stay back with him. But in the end, he threw it all in my face. Of the four hours we spent at Brian's house, one hour he spent buying Brian's gift, and the other two and a half hours he spent in front of the TV screen. I didn't even get to give him the little notebook.
I came home dejected. After my shower, Nanette told me Thong called. It turned out to be the pervert from last time. Though this time, it kind of freaked me out because I was only in a towel. But I cussed at him. I yelled at him. I vented all of my frustration and anger on him. And for a second, I thought that I was yelling at Thong. I don't think he'll ever call back. =]
I waited for his call. Waited with the phone in my hands. Waited with music pounding against my ear drums. And then, the tears started falling. And next thing I knew, I was weeping. Crying my heart out. Crying into the pillow as I listened to emo songs over and over again. Swallowing back the burning feeling in my throat and fighting the strain on my chest. And suddenly, it was like one of those long nights from a year ago. And that's when I noticed, he did just what I had hope he wouldn't. He did what I had feared from the beginning. He did what Danny did. He walked away from me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain.
I was thinking today. Before this, everything with Thong was so clear. So vivid. So out there in the open. But now, after that conversation we had, I no longer see the end. And so, I wondered. Am I willing to wait for something I'm not sure about? Because if we want to make this work, then we'd have to put in a lot of work. We won't be able to see each other for years. We say once a week, but it may extend to once a month. And I wondered if our feelings would fade. If we would forget what was the goal. And if our promises would turn out empty-handed. And for a second there, it seemed as though everything was for nothing. To build a relationship from scrap and put so much into it... only to lose to distance. Proximity. And yet, are we strong enough handle this?
I like taking pictures. Discovering the various angles and taking multiple shots to your heart's content. I don't do that anymore though. Ever since I dropped my camera. ahahah. When you're taking a picture, you rid yourself from that picture. You take a step back and remove yourself from the scene. That way, the world would be laid out for you to see. For you to analyze. For you to understand. For you to see in a different light. And you won't be caught up in all of it and let your feelings get in the way.
They say that only fools are satisfied. Does that mean that humans are always striving. Always aiming high and once they reach that very goal, they aim higher? They won't stop until they have to. Until nature takes over and strip them of their abilities to move, to think, to feel. No satisfaction would be enough. Why is it then, that we are so foolish? For love above all else. Are we really satisfied with just that?
I've always wondered about that one quote. I can't remember the exact words, but it goes something like this: The journey is much more important than the end. But then again, if you never reach that end, that aspiration, then wouldn't the journey mean nothing? It'll just remind you of failure. Of how you gave up half way. Sure, you learn many things during that journey. And those experiences, knowledge, times would always be with you. But in the end, if you don't get what you want in the first place, does it matter? Time will eventually catch up to you. And the years will fly right by you. It won't wait. It can't afford to wait for one person... And so, it leaves you behind. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the end fails, there must be a good reason. Somewhere along the journey, you found something even better. Then again, that's just me and my wishful thinking.
UPDATE:
Thong said something that hurt a lot today.
I like taking pictures. Discovering the various angles and taking multiple shots to your heart's content. I don't do that anymore though. Ever since I dropped my camera. ahahah. When you're taking a picture, you rid yourself from that picture. You take a step back and remove yourself from the scene. That way, the world would be laid out for you to see. For you to analyze. For you to understand. For you to see in a different light. And you won't be caught up in all of it and let your feelings get in the way.
They say that only fools are satisfied. Does that mean that humans are always striving. Always aiming high and once they reach that very goal, they aim higher? They won't stop until they have to. Until nature takes over and strip them of their abilities to move, to think, to feel. No satisfaction would be enough. Why is it then, that we are so foolish? For love above all else. Are we really satisfied with just that?
I've always wondered about that one quote. I can't remember the exact words, but it goes something like this: The journey is much more important than the end. But then again, if you never reach that end, that aspiration, then wouldn't the journey mean nothing? It'll just remind you of failure. Of how you gave up half way. Sure, you learn many things during that journey. And those experiences, knowledge, times would always be with you. But in the end, if you don't get what you want in the first place, does it matter? Time will eventually catch up to you. And the years will fly right by you. It won't wait. It can't afford to wait for one person... And so, it leaves you behind. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the end fails, there must be a good reason. Somewhere along the journey, you found something even better. Then again, that's just me and my wishful thinking.
UPDATE:
Thong said something that hurt a lot today.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Mmmm whatcha say... mmm that you only meant well? Well of course you did.
Today I looked up the Ms Magazine that Thong told me to check out. Very feminist magazine indeed. However, there is something that bothered me. The magazine used a lot of the color pink. The color that represents females. But who was it, that set this precedent? That declared that blue is a man's color and pink is a woman's? Since Ms Magazine use this color substantially, it's purpose is to point out women's strength, persistence, as well as women's pride. However, using this color furthers the difference between men and women. It sets them apart, and hence still alienates women and makes them inferior to men. Because they overly use this color, they are accepting the precedent that was set by the people of the past. They are accepting their role in society. And hence, they will never be truly equal.
Shabu, can you imagine what Gender Feud would be like if the girls instead decided to use the color blue. It would be shocking, unexpected, but of course, they'll get the message across. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to be like the guys. Freud's principal of penis envy is way off. -_-
Anyway, while I was eating today, a question suddenly plagued my mind. Why is it that Asians mostly use chopsticks and Americans and Caucasians use forks? It dawned to me that Asians generally use chopsticks because they live in a collectivist society. Hence, everything they do revolves around family activities. And when they eat, the food is laid out on the table. They don't have individual meals. And with chopsticks, they can reach across the table to get to the dish they want. On the contrary, American and European societies are individualistic. Each time they eat, each person has his own plate. They don't need to reach across the table - unless it's to pass the pepper or salt. And so, they use fork. Well, it's just a thought. I have no idea what's the real reason. Probably because it's in their culture. But that goes back to the types of societies.
Today I gave Tata away Shabu. It wasn't what I wanted to do. But hey, it's the best thing for her. A lot better than staying in the the heated patio everyday. A lot better than sleeping in the cold. A lot better than running the wheel without a soul watching her. And a lot better than to spend the days and nights alone because her owner can't play with her. And so, I gave her to my next door neighbor. They have kids that can entertain her and play with her. They have a teenager that can take care of her. And they have a house that can shelter her. I think I made the right decision. As a bonus, if I ever miss her, I can just knock on the door and visit her.
The Animal Care person came today to give us a fine for Dobie's barking too. Though he's still a puppy - he's supposed to bark. And it turns out that the lady all the way across the street complained. I mean, I find it funny that none of our neighbors complained. But she did. She must have very keen ears. -__- And she also recommended to use the shock collar on Dobie. I'll never do that. You'll forever lose his trust. And, it's just not right for a dog not to bark. So we exchanged numbers. Each time Dobie barks, she'll call. Then we'll go quiet him down or something.
Brian's banana came today. It's a lot prettier than in the picture. And it's super soft. LOL Nanette wanted to keep it. Dad found it odd that I ordered a 30 inch banana. And Nancy asked if they sell bigger ones. Hahaha. I think Brian will like it.
I ended the day with a talk with Thong. It's not cool. He had me worried the entire day. He didn't call and he didn't pick up the five times I called him. Nancy told me that he was probably just tired and he sleeping the day away. Apparently, he was sleeping and watching TV most of the day. Besides his scholarship thing, that's all he's done. So I was disappointed. And mad that he didn't at least call to say he was okay and whatnot.
He had a talk with his mom that motivated him to work harder. And when he told me about it, I was glad that he's going to start working harder. But then I thought about it. He said that from now on, school comes before play. And that does make sense. But I don't know why I was a bit down. I brought up his four year plan. Break up for four years and meet up afterward. All of a sudden, that plan didn't seem as stupid as the one he brought up a couple months back. But at the same time, I felt as though I brought that up to make him feel what I was feeling.
And suddenly, I had a player mentality. I don't know what came over me. But it suddenly hit me. And I told him. Maybe I was trying to get even? At what, I'm not even sure. But it seemed as though I changed for a bit into someone I didn't even know. To go out and try many things before I make a decision to settle down. To date a lot of people before I find the right guy. It was simply strange. But somehow, by the end of the conversation, the thing fixed itself. And it ended with sweet talks and playful flirtations.
Shabu, can you imagine what Gender Feud would be like if the girls instead decided to use the color blue. It would be shocking, unexpected, but of course, they'll get the message across. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to be like the guys. Freud's principal of penis envy is way off. -_-
Anyway, while I was eating today, a question suddenly plagued my mind. Why is it that Asians mostly use chopsticks and Americans and Caucasians use forks? It dawned to me that Asians generally use chopsticks because they live in a collectivist society. Hence, everything they do revolves around family activities. And when they eat, the food is laid out on the table. They don't have individual meals. And with chopsticks, they can reach across the table to get to the dish they want. On the contrary, American and European societies are individualistic. Each time they eat, each person has his own plate. They don't need to reach across the table - unless it's to pass the pepper or salt. And so, they use fork. Well, it's just a thought. I have no idea what's the real reason. Probably because it's in their culture. But that goes back to the types of societies.
Today I gave Tata away Shabu. It wasn't what I wanted to do. But hey, it's the best thing for her. A lot better than staying in the the heated patio everyday. A lot better than sleeping in the cold. A lot better than running the wheel without a soul watching her. And a lot better than to spend the days and nights alone because her owner can't play with her. And so, I gave her to my next door neighbor. They have kids that can entertain her and play with her. They have a teenager that can take care of her. And they have a house that can shelter her. I think I made the right decision. As a bonus, if I ever miss her, I can just knock on the door and visit her.
The Animal Care person came today to give us a fine for Dobie's barking too. Though he's still a puppy - he's supposed to bark. And it turns out that the lady all the way across the street complained. I mean, I find it funny that none of our neighbors complained. But she did. She must have very keen ears. -__- And she also recommended to use the shock collar on Dobie. I'll never do that. You'll forever lose his trust. And, it's just not right for a dog not to bark. So we exchanged numbers. Each time Dobie barks, she'll call. Then we'll go quiet him down or something.
Brian's banana came today. It's a lot prettier than in the picture. And it's super soft. LOL Nanette wanted to keep it. Dad found it odd that I ordered a 30 inch banana. And Nancy asked if they sell bigger ones. Hahaha. I think Brian will like it.
I ended the day with a talk with Thong. It's not cool. He had me worried the entire day. He didn't call and he didn't pick up the five times I called him. Nancy told me that he was probably just tired and he sleeping the day away. Apparently, he was sleeping and watching TV most of the day. Besides his scholarship thing, that's all he's done. So I was disappointed. And mad that he didn't at least call to say he was okay and whatnot.
He had a talk with his mom that motivated him to work harder. And when he told me about it, I was glad that he's going to start working harder. But then I thought about it. He said that from now on, school comes before play. And that does make sense. But I don't know why I was a bit down. I brought up his four year plan. Break up for four years and meet up afterward. All of a sudden, that plan didn't seem as stupid as the one he brought up a couple months back. But at the same time, I felt as though I brought that up to make him feel what I was feeling.
And suddenly, I had a player mentality. I don't know what came over me. But it suddenly hit me. And I told him. Maybe I was trying to get even? At what, I'm not even sure. But it seemed as though I changed for a bit into someone I didn't even know. To go out and try many things before I make a decision to settle down. To date a lot of people before I find the right guy. It was simply strange. But somehow, by the end of the conversation, the thing fixed itself. And it ended with sweet talks and playful flirtations.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I loved you so much with all my bones.
Shabu!
Today was the fated day: Root Canal Day! I was fidgety and nervous. Though Thong called and told me not to cry. Ha! Me? Cry? PSHH, Cristina Ta does not cry over getting a hole drilled through her tooth... Yeah, that's right.
But the shot wasn't so bad. The doctor was amazing. It didn't hurt at all. Besides a little pinch, it was pretty nice. It wasn't like previous doctors. I swear, when they gave shots, you feel the pain all the way to your toes!
But the thing that hurt the most was how the clamp forced my mouth open. After two and a half hours, he got out one root thing. So now, I have to return Friday to get out the rest. o_O Which means more shots, more pain, more anxiety, and more time wasted!
As of now, the tooth has a hole in it. There's a thin cover that's really bugging me. It's bulgy and I can't eat in peace because every time I bite down, it hurts and aches. So today, I ate rice with soup and swallowed most of the rice without chewing thoroughly. Talked to thong just a while ago. ^_^ I really do miss him. Really really do. But ha! I hung up because he needs to eat and do homework. hehe, I'm guessing he'll finish by 1:20 A.M. or so. I'm glad he got to nap today. Otherwise, it'll go back to that tiring schedule of his.
Today was the fated day: Root Canal Day! I was fidgety and nervous. Though Thong called and told me not to cry. Ha! Me? Cry? PSHH, Cristina Ta does not cry over getting a hole drilled through her tooth... Yeah, that's right.
But the shot wasn't so bad. The doctor was amazing. It didn't hurt at all. Besides a little pinch, it was pretty nice. It wasn't like previous doctors. I swear, when they gave shots, you feel the pain all the way to your toes!
But the thing that hurt the most was how the clamp forced my mouth open. After two and a half hours, he got out one root thing. So now, I have to return Friday to get out the rest. o_O Which means more shots, more pain, more anxiety, and more time wasted!
As of now, the tooth has a hole in it. There's a thin cover that's really bugging me. It's bulgy and I can't eat in peace because every time I bite down, it hurts and aches. So today, I ate rice with soup and swallowed most of the rice without chewing thoroughly. Talked to thong just a while ago. ^_^ I really do miss him. Really really do. But ha! I hung up because he needs to eat and do homework. hehe, I'm guessing he'll finish by 1:20 A.M. or so. I'm glad he got to nap today. Otherwise, it'll go back to that tiring schedule of his.
Monday, August 3, 2009
I don't know, but I think I may be fallin' for you.
This morning I woke up at seven to go to UCI with Nancy. After eating cereal, we left the house. On the way, near Mile Square Park, there was a three-cars collision. I remember seeing the ambulances first. Than I saw the first car. The second car. And suddenly, I saw the color of the third car: Blue. The wheel covers were similar to those of Thong's car. And I freaked out. The cars were crawling slowly, one after another. And due to the cars in front, I couldn't tell if that car belonged to Thong. There was a heavy weight on my chest. My breathing came out in ragged and soft pants. My hands just froze and stopped searching for my gum stick. And before I knew it, my vision was blurry and tears were threatening to fall from the corners of my eyes. Then Nancy inched up and I unconsciously let go of the breath I was holding.
I was so scared. I haven't felt that scared since my dad got into a car accident. On that very road too. And at that very moment, I found out how much Thong meant to me. I don't know if it's possible for me to be this close to him in a span of five months. But at that time, I knew that he was important to me. Very important.
I went to UCI with the intention to find Thong as quickly as possible just to make sure he was all right. It was a sudden urge. A weird urge with no plausible explanation. When I called him and he picked up, I was overly relief. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug. He said he was at the Student Center. I went over there and searched high and low. It was getting hot and icky. I called a few more times but the guy didn't pick up. Apparently, I was right. He was embarrassed with his Lonely ring tone. Jerk indeed! So I assumed that he was touring the school in huge groups like other students. I went around campus looking for the biology building. Then I just searched for huge groups in general. And after two hours of walking, I found a nice spot and lay down to rest. -__-
I met Thong a while later. Guess where he was Shabu?? He was in that ball room thingy in the Student Center the ENTIRE time. After some scolding, we went to eat. The food wasn't all that great. The chicken was exceedingly sweet. And the sweet sauce blanketed the rice and made it gooey. We joked around a bit. And when we needed to say our goodbyes, Thong patted my head and gently rubbed my forehead with his thumb. There are a few gestures that I find really sweet and adorable. And this is rated pretty high on my list of favorites. ^_^ I think that made my morning and the two hour walk worthwhile.
Nancy and I then headed to Fashion Island to meet up with Bach and Anh-Thuy. The three girls each bought a casual dress. Nancy's makes her look absolutely gorgeous and sexy. Anh-Thuy's makes her look stunningly beautiful. And me? Mine makes me look cute. Yeah... cute, shy, adorable, quiet, and simply....cute. Hahaha
We tried to find a present for Brian but it didn't turn out quite well. Heh... But we did have fun. Ate McDonalds. Pretty original eh? Went to multiple shops. Went to a pet shop. I felt like buying Dobie a big bone. But in the end, we decided against it. I mean, who's going to carry it the rest of the way? I saw hamsters and remembered Tata. lol. I saw a bunch of cuddly puppies. But one particular cat caught my attention. Usually, I don't like cats. At all. But this one was different. He saw me and gave me a fixed gaze. Then he put went down low, paws forward, butt up in the air, head and body nearly touching the ground... and he pounced. Yup, like a baby cub learning how to tackle, he pounced towards me and hit the glass. And he started playing with a little ball. And all the while, everyone else was ignoring him. Everyone was paying attention to the cute puppies. And he was an outcast, alienated from the rest, both physically and metaphorically. His cage was isolated and for a second, I wondered why. A peculiar cat. Strange one. But unexpectedly, he caught my attention amid the mini zoo.
We went to Build-a-Bear Workshop. I wanted to build a bear for Thong. Stuff up a soft and cuddly bear with a heart over it's left chest. Dress it in his favorite Football team's uniform. Shoes, clothing, and helmet. And for a second, I blanked out. We saw the Chargers and Bach said that he likes the Chargers. And at that moment, Thong called. Perfect timing to make sure. Then while I was pretending to play the question game, Bach had to ruin it and make it obvious. So in the end, I decide against it. -_-
We headed for home with Bach trailing Nancy for the directions. It took her a few U-turns, a few drastic lane changes, but somehow, we made it. My legs were in pain from all the walking. I felt tired and exhausted. I went online to look for a present for Brian since I couldn't find something he'd like at the mall. In the end, I chose a 30-inch-long, green, plush banana. Yup. Banana for being dirty-minded. And green for being, well, too green. Not ripe. Get it? hahahha
I gave Thong two calls, and both times, he hung up on me. I mean, I heard his voice. I heard the background noise. And I also heard the click, and the silent end. And in the back of my mind, I was wondering why. And I was also a bit hurt.
P.S.
I finished Special A yesterday! It was AWESOME. I just added it to myanimelist. hahaa
I was so scared. I haven't felt that scared since my dad got into a car accident. On that very road too. And at that very moment, I found out how much Thong meant to me. I don't know if it's possible for me to be this close to him in a span of five months. But at that time, I knew that he was important to me. Very important.
I went to UCI with the intention to find Thong as quickly as possible just to make sure he was all right. It was a sudden urge. A weird urge with no plausible explanation. When I called him and he picked up, I was overly relief. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug. He said he was at the Student Center. I went over there and searched high and low. It was getting hot and icky. I called a few more times but the guy didn't pick up. Apparently, I was right. He was embarrassed with his Lonely ring tone. Jerk indeed! So I assumed that he was touring the school in huge groups like other students. I went around campus looking for the biology building. Then I just searched for huge groups in general. And after two hours of walking, I found a nice spot and lay down to rest. -__-
I met Thong a while later. Guess where he was Shabu?? He was in that ball room thingy in the Student Center the ENTIRE time. After some scolding, we went to eat. The food wasn't all that great. The chicken was exceedingly sweet. And the sweet sauce blanketed the rice and made it gooey. We joked around a bit. And when we needed to say our goodbyes, Thong patted my head and gently rubbed my forehead with his thumb. There are a few gestures that I find really sweet and adorable. And this is rated pretty high on my list of favorites. ^_^ I think that made my morning and the two hour walk worthwhile.
Nancy and I then headed to Fashion Island to meet up with Bach and Anh-Thuy. The three girls each bought a casual dress. Nancy's makes her look absolutely gorgeous and sexy. Anh-Thuy's makes her look stunningly beautiful. And me? Mine makes me look cute. Yeah... cute, shy, adorable, quiet, and simply....cute. Hahaha
We tried to find a present for Brian but it didn't turn out quite well. Heh... But we did have fun. Ate McDonalds. Pretty original eh? Went to multiple shops. Went to a pet shop. I felt like buying Dobie a big bone. But in the end, we decided against it. I mean, who's going to carry it the rest of the way? I saw hamsters and remembered Tata. lol. I saw a bunch of cuddly puppies. But one particular cat caught my attention. Usually, I don't like cats. At all. But this one was different. He saw me and gave me a fixed gaze. Then he put went down low, paws forward, butt up in the air, head and body nearly touching the ground... and he pounced. Yup, like a baby cub learning how to tackle, he pounced towards me and hit the glass. And he started playing with a little ball. And all the while, everyone else was ignoring him. Everyone was paying attention to the cute puppies. And he was an outcast, alienated from the rest, both physically and metaphorically. His cage was isolated and for a second, I wondered why. A peculiar cat. Strange one. But unexpectedly, he caught my attention amid the mini zoo.
We went to Build-a-Bear Workshop. I wanted to build a bear for Thong. Stuff up a soft and cuddly bear with a heart over it's left chest. Dress it in his favorite Football team's uniform. Shoes, clothing, and helmet. And for a second, I blanked out. We saw the Chargers and Bach said that he likes the Chargers. And at that moment, Thong called. Perfect timing to make sure. Then while I was pretending to play the question game, Bach had to ruin it and make it obvious. So in the end, I decide against it. -_-
We headed for home with Bach trailing Nancy for the directions. It took her a few U-turns, a few drastic lane changes, but somehow, we made it. My legs were in pain from all the walking. I felt tired and exhausted. I went online to look for a present for Brian since I couldn't find something he'd like at the mall. In the end, I chose a 30-inch-long, green, plush banana. Yup. Banana for being dirty-minded. And green for being, well, too green. Not ripe. Get it? hahahha
I gave Thong two calls, and both times, he hung up on me. I mean, I heard his voice. I heard the background noise. And I also heard the click, and the silent end. And in the back of my mind, I was wondering why. And I was also a bit hurt.
P.S.
I finished Special A yesterday! It was AWESOME. I just added it to myanimelist. hahaa
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Started as a flicker, meant to be a flame.
Hey Shabu!
So today Thong and I went to IHop. He ordered homely and buttery pancakes. I decided to pick something that looks good. So in the end, I ended up with soggy, strawberry and whipped cream pancakes. Yup, I finished half of the plate. By that time, the other part had expanded into a plate of scrambled, bloated pancakes.
He then drove around for a while to decide where we should go next. After forty minutes of aimless driving, we arrived at the parking lot of Bolsa's park. Well, we gave the backseat a try and well, it wasn't what we both expected. LOL. It felt out of place, uncomfortable, and the butterfly feeling wasn't even there. And Thong, being the noobsauce he is, gave me a hickey right on a visible spot on my neck. ahahaha, So that was an epic fail. I had to ask Tiffany for something to cover it up. When my mom came to pick me up, I had to hide it with my hair and bend my head a little lower than usual.
Lets just say, I am currently wearing one of my polo shirts. Haha, I had to lie to Nanette that I fell on a doorknob to prevent her from unintentionally asking me later in front of my parents. Though I had to hide it from everyone in my family, besides Richard, it wasn't all that bad. Well, I did have to ice it. But when I looked into the mirror, I couldn't help but chuckle. ^_^
By the way Shabu, I recently started on a new anime: Special A
It reminds me of School Rumble. The randomness, the oblivious girl, and the "hopelessly-in-love" boy. But rather than your usual sap, this anime is actually quite witty and hilarious. There are 24 episodes. =]
So today Thong and I went to IHop. He ordered homely and buttery pancakes. I decided to pick something that looks good. So in the end, I ended up with soggy, strawberry and whipped cream pancakes. Yup, I finished half of the plate. By that time, the other part had expanded into a plate of scrambled, bloated pancakes.
He then drove around for a while to decide where we should go next. After forty minutes of aimless driving, we arrived at the parking lot of Bolsa's park. Well, we gave the backseat a try and well, it wasn't what we both expected. LOL. It felt out of place, uncomfortable, and the butterfly feeling wasn't even there. And Thong, being the noobsauce he is, gave me a hickey right on a visible spot on my neck. ahahaha, So that was an epic fail. I had to ask Tiffany for something to cover it up. When my mom came to pick me up, I had to hide it with my hair and bend my head a little lower than usual.
Lets just say, I am currently wearing one of my polo shirts. Haha, I had to lie to Nanette that I fell on a doorknob to prevent her from unintentionally asking me later in front of my parents. Though I had to hide it from everyone in my family, besides Richard, it wasn't all that bad. Well, I did have to ice it. But when I looked into the mirror, I couldn't help but chuckle. ^_^
By the way Shabu, I recently started on a new anime: Special A
It reminds me of School Rumble. The randomness, the oblivious girl, and the "hopelessly-in-love" boy. But rather than your usual sap, this anime is actually quite witty and hilarious. There are 24 episodes. =]
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