Well Shabu, he managed to do it again. Went over a week without getting mad at him. I guess that's just impossible. Though it may be a good thing because it shows that I still care. I was wondering why suddenly, I didn't seem to care about the things that should have hurt. -_-
He told me in the last two months that we'd go to Six Flags. Then suddenly, he doesn't want to go. Nope, he'd rather go to Disneyland. He wouldn't even go to the OC Fair because apparently, he's saving up for Disneyland. But no, that didn't got me mad. Just a little disappointed, but not mad or sad.
See, he said, "You have your family and Bach and Anh-Thuy and your friends. I'm sure you'll have fun with them." He also said, "After I go to Disneyland and you go to Six Flags, we can analyze and compare the two together."
I guess he doesn't understand that I want to spend the time with him at the theme park. But no, he didn't get it. He shoved me to other people and basically told me, "What's the difference? They can replace me. You'll have fun without me."
And the thing that got me really depressed is the fact that apparently, he can go to Disneyland and have fun without me. Nope, he's decided to go. And if I choose Six Flags, his decision won't change. Because either way, he'll be able to have fun at Disneyland. Yup. There is no difference if I go or not.
But in addition to this, something at the back of my mind told me that he was going to go with Heather and Michelle. And that thought was gnawing at me, until finally, with all the pressure, sadness, and anger, I couldn't bear it any longer and hung up on him. See, woman's intuition. That's something you don't know how to question. But something tells me that Heather fancies Thong. Right after Winter Formal, she approached me and said, "Well, nothing will probably happen between you guys. It's just a dance." I don't know, but it seemed as though she was trying to reassure herself. She told me "Aww, Thong is just too sweet and cute. You should have seen how he reacted when you asked him to Formal." But at the same time, the tone of her voice was something different. Jealousy? Envy? I have no idea. Then she talks a little, and randomly brings up Thong, and ends it with asking for his birth date. And well, I can't help it. But I swear it was an accident. I had Thong's yearbook when she returned it to me. So I kept it at home until Thong came over, and I'd return it. Bach had my yearbook then, so I opened his to read over senior remembrance. And right on the front cover, I saw my name. Curiosity got the better of me, and next thing you know, I read the line. I don't remember much, but I know it goes something like this. "You're such a sweet guy. Sometimes, you make me wish that I were Cristina instead." And well, I am so sure that there is some truth in that. And then, there's Disneyland. I went on Thong's Facebook after he added me. And smack at the top of the page was her comment. Well, she asked Thong to go to Disneyland with her and Michelle. And well, that says everything. See, she and I were close friends. Notice "were." But nonetheless, we're still friends. And usually, a noble friend would not leave comments as such in her friend's boyfriend's yearbook. A noble friend wouldn't ask her friend's boyfriend to Disneyland without asking the friend. I don't know. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this. But hey, woman's intuition.
And now that Thong's suddenly going to Disneyland, I can't help but go back to thinking about this. He said, "I'm going with Thang and mom and uhh... anyone else who wants to go." I wonder exactly what he meant by that.
Update: 1:12 A.M.
But onwards, today was a horrible day. I felt the fireball feeling in my throat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to cuss at someone. And I wanted to just give up at the same time. Dad's still being an asshole. Even if I am right, I must keep my mouth shut at all times. Yups, and because he is dad, he is always right. I speak up to defend Nancy and Richard and I get in trouble. I speak up to give reasons to an argument and I get in trouble. I speak up to tell him what I think and I get in trouble. And so, I might as well shut up. And he told me that it is best that I shut up. And so, I'll just talk to him when I need to. Other than that, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can't wait to get out of here. I fucken swear, sometimes I hate this place, this atmosphere, so much. And when I'm up in LA, I'll show them.
This world is such a bitter and damned place. The people are fucked up. There are those without families. Then there are those with families who simply don't care. Then there are those with fucked up families. Then there are those with fake families. And in this world, you can't trust anyone. I'm sick of trying to find the good in people. Sick of being good and hoping that people can be the same. Because that's not how it works. In the end, it's a "dog-eat-dog" world. It's every man for himself. And if you can't deal with it, you lose. You get weeded out. And you'll be just another unknown corpse. A failure. Time and time again, people will stab you right in the face. They'll kick you in the guts and pour salt into your wound. They'll smother you with a pillow until your lungs run dry.
Then again, some people just make up for all of it. Because in the end, your family's all you got. If not, your spouse. Your peers. Somewhere, there's gotta be that someone that makes it worthwhile. That'll watch your back so you can watch your face. That'll pick you up and heal your scars. That'll share that oxygen with you.
LOL, boy that sounds like a bunch of bs. But whatever. Feels good to finally let it out.
