I, find it hard to say. And you, find it hard to care.

Hello my very own notebook!

It's strange that I'm talking to you, but I really do need to start talking to someone again. Xanga has past memories I do not want to visit. Live Journal is reserved for something else. And, I think this new start is quite refreshing. ^^

I noticed that I blog when I have a lot to think about. Most times, they're thoughts that won't leave my mind and will torment me day and night. And so, why not toss them onto a sheet of paper? In this case, a blog website.

As you may have noticed, I write when I am unhappy. And I can safely say, I read fanfics when I'm unhappy. I watch anime when I'm unhappy. Or you can see them as things I do merely because I am bored. xD But really though, reading fictional stories and watching overrated animes give you something to do. They keep your mind occupied so that you do not have to let it go wondering into places that you do not desire. And of course, it makes you feel again. But that's something only you will know. Others probably think I do it because I want to.

I've been having a lot on my mind lately. Specifically, what do I do with the relationship that Thong and I currently share. I am not exaggerating when I say that we get into a lot of petty, little arguments. Well, from what I see, I view them as arguments whereas he sees them as something trivial. Maybe that's why he seems absolutely clueless to the turmoil that is currently taking residence in my mind as well as my heart.

To be honest, I don't really know what to believe anymore. He talks a lot. And I don't mean it that way. He says a lot of things that give me hope and crushes that very hope with his idleness. He claims to want to spend a lot of time with me but at the same time, he doesn't do so because he apparently has a "date with Shakespeare," or has to run, or is taking a class just for the heck of it, etc. I mean, I do know its unreasonable for me to want to spend quality time with him when he's so busy. But at the same time, this is the last summer we will have together. Then we're off to different colleges. And those things that I listed, he does them voluntarily. Meaning, he chooses them over me because he feels as though they are his responsibilities. Of course, I'm not saying they're not. I just don't like how he talks about spending lots of time with me and goes around and does something else. Like how he wants to go visit me at the swap meet after the first time. He likes to see me working and he wants to be there with me. And he keeps telling me this. So, like a hopeless and naive child, I would actually dress up rather than wear the usual attire and wait for him. And each week, that hope diminishes; that is, until he tells me that he was planning to go, but couldn't and will do so next week. Eventually, I began to think of his words as well, merely words.

Fourth of July just passed and he spent it with me. And even though we didn't really get to spend most of it together, it was still fun. Though I really did wish that he at least gives me a proper goodbye before making a mad dash for the door. When my uncle said that he'll go home with my cousins now, without a hug or a mere look, Thong grabbed his brother and ran for the door. No goodbye. No kiss. No hug. Not even a glance. If I had not followed him to the door, he probably would've left without the goodbye. I also talked of shopping the following day and asked if he would be doing anything. His response was, "I'll probably just dream the entire day." He pretty much implied he'd love to go shopping with me. And when I actually went and gave him a call, he responded with "I'm busy," when he spent his day doing a bit of laundry, reading a bit of Shakespeare, and sleeping most of it. And when I confronted him about it, it led to teasings, which were okay. But he started calling me a loner, without taking into consideration that I did not invite friends simply because I wanted to spend the day with him. Either way, I went shopping to get something ordered. And that was for him too. The phone conversation took a vicious turn and next thing you know, there were truths in those words. But I later disregarded them and decided to make up that night. But he seemed tired of the conversation. And tired of me. He ended the call with a "I need to wake up early tomorrow." And so I told him goodnight and hung up.

Today, I went to Shik Do Rak, a Korean bbq restaurant with Bach, Anh-Thuy, Richard, Tiffany, and Thanh. I did not invite Thong. I found no reasons to do so. Most likely, he'd say that he was too busy and tired and that he needed to work two hours later. So I left it at that.

And when he called tonight, the conversation was kind of blah. Because quite frankly, if he doesn't seem to care as much anymore, I find no need to do so. I ended the phone conversation early today, telling him that he needs to go to school early tomorrow. And well, it's okay. Because he does. And, because that's what he told me yesterday too. Though he did apologize, I doubt that he really is sorry. It became a pattern in a way. I'd be mad; he'd say sorry. And I guess to him, it became a job, an obligation.

I'm really tired of this. Tired that I want to spend so much time with him. Maybe it's because I know that this is the only time I'll ever have - in a long time at least. But I really do miss him. And I really do think of him every chance I get. And yes, he's the last thought I have in mind right before bed. But, I'm so tired of his bs and excuses. If he doesn't want to put the effort into this relationship, then tell me now.

Anh-Thuy and Bach told me to put my stubbornness aside and talk to him. Oh, but I have! Many times, I have. But it always goes back to square one. And I am quite sick of it. See, two can play this game. If he has the time to talk to me on the phone for three plus hours a day, why can he not use that time to instead see me face to face. I wanted to do this. I wanted to play the game he's playing and give him a taste of his own medicine. I wanted to talk to him one hour a day max on the phone. And we'll see each other once a week max. But to be honest, he probably won't mind.

I don't know what to do as of now. Go with the flow? Go with his flow?